addiction

When Morning Comes

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morning

When mourning comes

The slow and painful rise of awareness

Bright and shocking to our confused eyes

When the tears fall for the Unlived Life

And the thoughts come of What Could Have Been

The Should Have Been’s

The If Only’s

Do we deny, then, or accept?

When mourning comes and the tidal waves of deep regret

Stick to your cheeks, smearing them with agony and loneliness

And your heart screams, why can’t it be different?

I should have known

And you look stupidly at your own ignorance

Mad at something that makes no sense to be mad at

Oh but so, so mad

And sad

The piercing bitterness rises

When mourning comes

And morning always comes

Do we deny, then, or accept?

Can we forgive ourselves for the Not Knowing

Can we start to see through new eyes

Polished, clearer from our suffering

And see — truly see — that there is no other way for any of us

To live this journey

Except exactly as it is

War of the Gods

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demon

How can it be that You’ve annihilated me?

I sat with you

I loved you

I gave you Everything in me

Yet I was met by the Devil

(who you do not believe in)

But I do

Because He came through you

To cut me

To rip my open heart out of my chest

And devour it

Shocked-frozen, I watched Him chew it slowly

Grinding, piercing, masticating

while i became colder and colder

I feel my own demons rise up

Clawing for a piece of my already-swallowed heart

Hardening me

Darkening my Light

That somehow, Something Bitter thinks,

Keeps Fucking Living in me

Soulless creatures hiss in my ears

Don’t let anyone else in.

Ever.

Let us kill any human thing you have.

Let us help you, friend.

Trust only us.

Be alone.

You always have been.

You always will be.

But.

But I know mySelf well enough now!

My warm feelings will Rise Again

And sweep away all these Shadowed men

I will steal back my digested heart from the Devil’s belly

And I will make it work again.

femalehero

Mad

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joker

The Murderer runs wild again

Screaming madly, Insanities

Knife gripped so tight it’s glued to his hands

Thinking over and over,

What can I stab? 

Tw-Twitching for a fix

Sub blood, he demands, for that methadone drip

Drip…drip…

But the drip ain’t gonna cut it so he rips open the bag

Sucks down the Need but there’s more Need to be had…

That’s how it goes when Something’s gone mad

He swallowed too much Rage one day

Now It pours through His gaze

Eyes drinking in pain

Of those he ordains

By slicing and cutting

By his murderous rage

Victims all asking how he got this way

In humble attempts to find his humanity

In desperate pleas to let them go free

But He’s shaking and starving

Can’t hear a damn word they say

Too possessed by the bliss of watching them

Drain

And by the Power that lights up his black-blooded veins

The instruments he wields

Inflicting such pain

Evil is winning, friends

But go ahead — look away

Avoidance is easier than staring this Thing in It’s face

Because that’s what It is – There is no “He” in this man

He kills for the thrill of it

He kills ‘cuz he can

No reason, no feeling

He’s just fucking

Mad

RISEN

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Rebirth_by_michellemonique

 

I can handle emotions, explosions

Such commotion in motion

From the unconscious ocean

You tried to drown me when you found me on the shores of Devotion

A catalyst for The Analyst who lives in this skin

while Sirens beckoned so sweetly

“Come back in, come back in…”

Melodic voices drenched wretched with sin

You bound my wrists and my eyes

Plugged my ears

Threw me in

But when you learned to slither, friend…

I learned to swim

You thought me lost

The Sacrified lamb

But I’d gone to hell — got acquainted with Hades

Befriended the devils

And that lamb?

Oh so tasty

Still don’t know it’s name was

But it sure wasn’t ‘Katie’

The Time has arisen, I’m out of my prison

Hell made me Whole

Clear is my vision

The Sirens may call but my ears do not listen

No infection in my direction

From dismembered dissection

Put myself back together

In perfect imperfection

I call myself servant

Head down and gaze in

The one Call I answer?

The Call from Within

 

 

Ashes on the Floor

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I think I love you

In a way love should never be

For there is a thing as Too Much Heat

Burns up our touch on Reality

Then there’s no place to return to

When the fire dies down

Like fires do

There’s a mad dash out the door

Inevitably

And frankly, it don’t matter if it’s you or me

One of us will have to run away

Fantasy something humans can’t sustain

What would it be like to learn to love the steady flame?

‘Stead of craving this insane raging heat

The Energy in you that brings me to my knees

But here we are, Combusting

I was a fool to think either of us can leave

Blissfully trapped in scorching chemistry

Ignited by other-worldly sparks

The kind that die out as quickly as they burst and flash

And set our silly souls ablaze

Incinerating…

Incinerating…

We find ourselves

In ashes on the floor.

 

 

Twisted

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Trick, trick, trick

Tick tick tick

He won’t stop

‘Til He gets what He wants

Stealing all my thoughts

To twist and turn and weave

As He sees fit

Taking all clarity

Hoarding all wit

He’s like a Hawking, or Jobs or Einstein

But multiplied infinite times

Oh honey, you ain’t gonna win His game

Genius like this is Genius Insane

Trick trick trick

Tick tick tick

That great mind you think is up to it

Is proof you’ve already been Tricked

There is no up to it with a Devil like this

All that education, that intelligence

He’s just got you building a higher fence

Humming, foolishly, as you close yourself in

He’s running circles around you

Your best psychological thinking is His

He tells you “it’s projection”

He won’t let you have a thing

Don’t you know by now

He will tell you anything

Just to keep Himself going

To stop you from feeling your True Feelings

The only chance you might actually have

To not be

Tricked tricked tricked

Tick tick tick…

 

Cory

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cory

 

One more

A symbol

What darkness within

That you fought silently, privately

Trudging through

No addict, like me, will ever judge you

The ones who have No Experience

Walking razor’s edge

Will toss out opinions

Sharp and hurtful

Empty of meaning

Ignorance and judgment in place of feeling

They won’t ever understand

They will just blame

But you and I, my friend,

We are the same

It is only a choice

Sometimes

Not everyone will get that line.

But those of you who do –

Well, this one’s for you

I whisper now

My desk to your grave —

I know how you fought

I know you were brave

We don’t always win the game that you played

(Though I know very well that this was no game)

Your Soul up for grabs

As the demons, they raged

A light went out

Like they do every day

But that don’t mean that Life isn’t changed

The Warfare of the Psyche

Is no fucking game

Those who don’t know it intimately

Ought just give their Thanks

I honor you, friend

Your Death no place for shame

The fight that you fought…

You and me

Quite

The same.

Riding The Dragon

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I am learning beyond learning

Is there such a thing?

Yes

Oh yes

Who knew the rabbit hole

Went as Deep as This?

And somewhere in my soul

I know

The Shallow of this depth

I’ve come so incredibly far

Gone further than the Great Abyss

Passed through Hell and back again

But still I know

There’s so much more than even This

A realization that borders on both

Agony and Bliss

How can it be

That going down

And in

And through

All This

Can lead back to such a tenderness

Such wonder-ness

Such awesome ness

And yet right there on the razor’s edge

Standing at the ice-pick ledge

Darkness and Insanity

Staring, bearing into me

But I have learned beyond the learning

I look right in the Black

For what have I to fear, my dears

When I’ve been to hell and back

When I’ve even travelled past!

It cannot shake me now my dears

I’m Mastering my Black

I sit right down at razor’s edge…

And have a little snack.

 

Tomorrow

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Don’t know what to do right now

Just trying to get to tomorrow

My brain is fried

My soul, it hurts

Filled with such deep sorrow

And I really wish that I could write

About funny, happy things sometimes

I know this Heavy stuff gets old

These little torturous rhymes

But what can I say?

It is the world I am in

I don’t know how to set down this load

My shoulders ache

From the constant quake

Of stories I am told

I wish I were a comedienne

So I could lighten your load

Make a smile spread ‘cross your face

But I’ve lost all my funny bones

And here I sit, holding such weight

Trying to “Let it go”

But Knowing truth underneath

Cannot be Unknown

So here I sit another night

Another sadness

Another fight

And I’m just tryin’ to find

Tomorrow.

His Laughter Echoes

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I feel like I’ve been broken open

Split down the center line

Sawed through with the Devil’s autograph

Claiming,

“Now you’re Mine.”

There is no more fight inside ‘cause I’ve fought and I’ve fought

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried —

But the Devil’s sword is so much sharper than mine

And he wields it so gracefully —

This Practicing Dark Divine

I am shaking now, trembling

Carved open like some great ravine

A chasm – the stuff of me spilled out

Tongue cut out

No voice

No way to scream

Haunted, Haunted by this imagery

Lucifer – seducing me

Abusing me

Where is the Other Side of God?

Where is my Mother’s Bosom?

Where is my protection from all of This –

Horrific Life

Horrific-ness

People are so Blind

But I – I – I see

(In a way They cannot see

They Refuse to See)

Stuck with all this gut-wrenching disgust

Watching horror-struck

As human beings are ripped from me

Are hurt

Are lost

Are suffering

And I am only One person

Fighting my own Unending Fight –

To come to Wholeness

To journey through Night

To cross the Dark Sea and the Great Divide

To merge the two

And I have done this for You!

The Eternal You!

And now I cry out –

I can’t go on!

Please, please hear me

I plead, I need, I beg, I bleed

From the Silenced walls of my desperate soul

Devil laughing – I am broken open

His Ink pervades my soul.

His laughter echoes.