darkness

Disturbed

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claws

I feel it crawling in

The pores of my skin aching as it enters

I am bloated with this darkness

The rain outside is romantic and only

Exacerbates my loneliness

And they could all tell me

“I can relate”

But relatedness is not found

Here

Mind blurred with overwhelm

Lost at sea

I need an anchor and I can hear her say

“Be your own anchor”

But I can’t anymore

I can’t

Anymore

I need a him

Strong and reliable and loyal

Not the Archetype but the man

He seems always to escape me

I find myself with myself

Conversing just to try and stay centered

It pours now

Romance gone, just pure, wet, pelting anger

Don’t all relationships end that way

Anyway?

Let me break open this old shell

I don’t want this darkness anymore

And yet I am bound

Without it there cannot be light

Or consciousness

But sometimes I can’t suffer any more

I know now there is no escape

Only avoidance

But I rage inside

WHERE IS MINE?

WHERE THE FUCK IS MINE?

I scream wildly

My insanity begs to be let out

I imagine ripping off my clothes and running naked into the street

Cussing and howling

the Madwoman free

But I only gaze at the rain and feel something sickening

 

Fly

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Break the hex and run girl

Fly out into darkest night

With your feathered black wings

Shining black-blue in moonlight

Lift yourself out of this quicksand tar

Cut it off you

With anything you can grab

Gnaw it off you

If you have to

You do

Anything it takes

To break free

To leave this world behind and fly, fly

Fly…

Riding The Dragon

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I am learning beyond learning

Is there such a thing?

Yes

Oh yes

Who knew the rabbit hole

Went as Deep as This?

And somewhere in my soul

I know

The Shallow of this depth

I’ve come so incredibly far

Gone further than the Great Abyss

Passed through Hell and back again

But still I know

There’s so much more than even This

A realization that borders on both

Agony and Bliss

How can it be

That going down

And in

And through

All This

Can lead back to such a tenderness

Such wonder-ness

Such awesome ness

And yet right there on the razor’s edge

Standing at the ice-pick ledge

Darkness and Insanity

Staring, bearing into me

But I have learned beyond the learning

I look right in the Black

For what have I to fear, my dears

When I’ve been to hell and back

When I’ve even travelled past!

It cannot shake me now my dears

I’m Mastering my Black

I sit right down at razor’s edge…

And have a little snack.

 

Boston (*please note: this is inspired by the pain I felt about this — it is NOT about blame; I only mention one of the sons as it is a loose interpretation — just what came through me)

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His father said, “My boy’s an angel”

This alone should make us fear

For when someone sees only One Side

The Devil’s often near

None of us are just One Thing

If we are a Human Being

So many Praises we all sing

Instead of truly Seeing

His father refused to see his son

Could that be why he came undone?

No one can live with that kind of “love”

Perfection just another drug

Oh we must Wake to Subtlety!

Take in what we’d Rather Not See

Learn to work with that, my friends

Learn to let it be —

To offer compassion to all the dark things…

Before they grow uncontrollably

Or Evil will walk this Earth with us

Wearing labels

Of  “Angels”

While the Devil on the other side

Grows stronger ‘cuz He’s trapped inside

Nowhere to go, so

He rots the soul

‘Til eventually it…

Explodes.

*My heart goes out to those murdered and hurt in Boston. This poem merely represents, for me, a wish for us to one day get to Peace. And my feeling is that we must focus on who we ARE able to work with: ourselves. But we must choose to do it. We must look at all the darkness within that we’d rather not see. No, most of us would NEVER do this. I get that. And the more we can be aware of our own darkness and pain — and the darkness and pain in others — the more we face it and work with it — the better chance we have of changing this pattern.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” – Gandhi