my heart breaks into a million pieces

a million times

I don’t know how anyone gets through this life, sometimes

the world often feels cold and indifferent

and I suppose it is

and i guess it isn’t, sometimes

but Lately has not been one of Those times

I wonder how I can find more meaning

more love

more – dare I say it? —

happiness

Jinx

(You owe me a coke)

I cannot go back

I will not go artificially up

because I know the horrific downs

I am so alone and yet

Kids.

How can I like them but not think I want them

what on earth would i do with one, needing me

obliterating me

maybe i’m just a selfish freak

then again, it feels selfish to bring something innocent and unique

into a world like this

I don’t know

I would like a partner but he never seems to show up

or he’s weak

or he can’t follow through

or there’s not enough chemistry

I am tired of the tears on my cheeks

I am tired of seeking

I am tired of stopping seeking to just be

I am tired of everything

I am most tired of breaking

no, I am most tired of feeling This Kind of Low

that makes it difficult to breathe

or see

or think

or do

or leave the house, some days

I am angry

where is reprieve?

To whom do I speak?

Can It even hear me?

If It hears, what then?

I don’t see you Changing,Thing!

I’ve changed enough for the both of us, but it don’t seem to matter much

What?

Should I just keep suffering, hoping you’ll wake the fuck up?

Just stay in this god-forsaken place feeling stuck?

no, no

why should i be the only one to have to change? huh?

HUH?

 

Advertisements

How many levels of hell are there?

Dante is fucking wrong

I have come to deadened space

Alive only with some kind of empty, disgusting, torturous insanity

A white void of horror

There is no God here

There is no God

I beg to be killed but there is no one to do it

And no instruments for my own use in this white sterile room

So I will starve to death on this bitter, pointless existence

And wake back up in this same room

If only I could be in Hell’s 9th level

This level has no number

 

War of the Gods

demon

How can it be that You’ve annihilated me?

I sat with you

I loved you

I gave you Everything in me

Yet I was met by the Devil

(who you do not believe in)

But I do

Because He came through you

To cut me

To rip my open heart out of my chest

And devour it

Shocked-frozen, I watched Him chew it slowly

Grinding, piercing, masticating

while i became colder and colder

I feel my own demons rise up

Clawing for a piece of my already-swallowed heart

Hardening me

Darkening my Light

That somehow, Something Bitter thinks,

Keeps Fucking Living in me

Soulless creatures hiss in my ears

Don’t let anyone else in.

Ever.

Let us kill any human thing you have.

Let us help you, friend.

Trust only us.

Be alone.

You always have been.

You always will be.

But.

But I know mySelf well enough now!

My warm feelings will Rise Again

And sweep away all these Shadowed men

I will steal back my digested heart from the Devil’s belly

And I will make it work again.

femalehero

Black Sophia

 

ereshkigal

I fall now

In Wretched Grace

I land upon your lap

I took not my old Naivety

Nor wide-eyed Innocence

Nor Cloying Positivity

Nor hope of Recompense

I did not bring Salvation here

Nor dare to make Requests

I wore only reverent fear

For you command Respect

You have bested me, My Black Sophia

Fool I was, in retrospect

From this day on

I honor You

No, I will not forget

There is No Place that is Like You

No words to capture Your Kind of Truth

No Art

No Muse

No Thing

Like You

And I will not

Forget

 

The Visitor

 

depression-1_3

At night

He comes

Obese, gray-black

Anger so repressed He is shaking

Below, like Earth’s been doing lately

Quaking

His eyes blank, mouth soft

Head knows nothing of his rage

Below

Trauma can split a person in two like that

So he sits

Heavy

Thinks he’s empty

Squashed

A car in a junkyard

Abandoned, forsaken

Crushed flat, fat

Like an overgrown gourd

Bulging, tumorous

At night

He comes

He speaks to me

An untrusting “hello”

Though

It is my voice I hear

Obese and gray-black

 

 

WAKE THE FUCK UP

war

Stupid fucking people everywhere
You see them out there
Small talking about the weather
They don’t know any better
Rattling on about the latest sale at Marshals
I hear a neighbor’s voice waft into my living room
Cloying and gossipy, “Oh, it’s allllways about HER,” she says so nasally I wonder if her nose is doing the speaking
I get the distinct feeling she’s talking about herself
Just doesn’t know it
I tried to get to my gmail today by pressing the “gm” buttons into my browser
Accidentally took me to female genital mutilation
I guess I pressed the “f”
Women in other places get their clitoris and labia scraped off
Their vaginas sown up
Sometimes without anesthesia
Usually before age 5
They see it as a rite of passage or a sign of purity and honor
I see it as men in fear trying to control women’s power
I see it as the symbol it is – women mutilating their femininity
How long do we suffer blindly?
How long do we fool ourselves to make the shit we eat taste more palatable?
So what kind of poem is this, you wonder?
Where is it going?
I don’t fucking know
People in Ukraine dying and bloodied by government for fighting for rights
In 2014
How are we still this barbaric?
HOW?
There is too much pain in this world
Covered up shoddily by our daily purgings of false importance on Facebook
Or our video game playing addictions – 5 hours a day — or
Anything, really, to take us away from the horrific truth of what is actually going on
All the time
Because we feel helpless
So we hide
Until consciousness again finds us and we are thrust into action
Until we stop asking “how are you” and not giving a fuck about someone’s answer
Until we stop talking about the weather
And start discussing our souls

Becoming You

blackquilt

This blanket made of Nothingness and Impudence

Woven with Depression and Resistance

Created just for you

Wrapped in it at birth

Hanging like a dark film over your shoulders

Under your feet

Must have felt like Home to you

This painful quilt of failures

So many excuses

It’s not that bad

People have it worse

And some do

And who cares?

I am interested in what happened to you

Tell me of your precious, unnatural cloak

Tell me how it’s home and you never wish to leave it

Tell me how you hate it and beg someone to rip it off

Let me know the fight in you

It’s not an easy feat

To start to choose the Unknown over Home

Even when home is unbearable

Oh the burden of a certain kind of familiarity

But

You are not the thing you wear

Nor whatever you were born into

You are underneath

Pure and unbroken

I believe

If we’d never seen the sun and suddenly it appeared

We’d fear annihilation — hide deep in our Darkness

Rather than welcome the soft warmth

So do we live from Fear…

Or do we Risk when it’s hardest to Risk

Who among us is brave enough

To take the cover off

Or — with new thread —

Begin again…

A blanket made of Happiness and Mindfulness

Woven with Compassion, Love and Peacefulness

Created just for you

quilt

Gray Field

gray

I am Uh-lone

Lost in a dry, gray field of it  —

Emptiness

Draping over me like a long, invisible cloak from head to toe

Offering nothing

Causing the kind of pain only Nothing can bring

Shocking

A great, dark, Impersonal

Void

One can only scream silently for so long,

alone

I am so totally Uh-lone

Sharp in my sobriety

That the masses lack

Preferring to believe that

“It’s all love and light, baby, love and light”

Bullshit

I don’t know your experience and you do not know mine

I only know that we can try

To understand –

And we’re lucky if we can –

Or find someone who really wants to

Who does not run away shrieking from our carnivorous pain

The way I hypocritically do

I never could relate

To those who haven’t been to hell…

To those who aren’t awake

 

Unwise

Image

We danced around with blinded eyes

Seeking like we do in youth that

Elusive serum we call Truth

Unreachable until we’re wise

And wisdom don’t set in so soon

Wisdom comes from a million tries

Or, perhaps, a million-two

Heaven on Earth is only gained

When you’ve learned the lesson in the pain

And not just said, “It’s hard, I quit”

Nor let your bitter keep you bit

But dive — heart-first! — right into it

Dig up all the Masters teach

Watch the ego’s trickery

Which leads you to a wishing well

Of good intentions, yes — paved to hell

There is no skipping steps, you see

There is no more poor me, poor me

It’s time to wake, unblind your eyes

A fool alone will claim she’s wise

So pick up that big cross you dropped

‘Cause darling

You gotta few more tries…

 

 

With This Loss

With this loss

I’m at a loss

I cannot write

Or sing

Or cry

There is Nothing Left

But a memory

Of something I had hoped would be,

Fully.

Gone…

My dreams show me The Tragedy

That in my Living State I cannot see

Or feel

It would be too great a pain

Funny how the psyche works —

Kicks in like it does

Disconnects us from the stuff

We’d never be able to get through

Meanwhile, I type

But do not mistake it for writing

These are the apathetic, colorless words

Of a poet who is no longer a poet

This is the guarded, shaded voice of a person

Who will not touch love again in the same way

Because This State is not worth it

Perhaps you say

“You’ll move through”

Perhaps you are being kind but naive

One Door

Has shut

And you can be sure

That Door (for there was never another like it)

Will not be opened.

With this loss

I am merely a whisper of the person

I was.