spirituality

BoundFree

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heartopening

I thrive in You

I come alive

Through and through you feel me and feed me

Truth’s breeze rushes like a ghost through my broken-open soul

I will never go back

I can never go back

A shattered soul is how the light gets through

Never believed it before

but now I do

Oh, I know

Life won’t be anything close to perfect

Or some fantasy of mine conjured up in the wish-making world of the ego

Begging, grasping, crying out for control always and endlessly

A defeat for the ego is a victory for the Self*

So I let my battered ego lick her wishful wounds

While the Self grows strong and conscious

Through my very own humanity and suffering

I have you and you, you also have me

Without one another we do not thrive

We just stagnate and exist

You, thrashing around in some kind of empty Glory

Me, without purpose

But together we cut through cement like feathered blades of kelly-green grass

Impossibly yet entirely

Tell me — what could be more meaningful than the transformation

Of another being?

In this moment of strength I say

The suffering is worth it

May I remember this in my weakness and may you forgive me

And accept me in All Forms

And may I do the same for You

Bound as we choose to be by this marriage of Awareness

Bound

Only as we choose to be

And I do

 

 

*C.G. Jung quote

Black Poetry

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Brainwashed-2

Black Poetry beats in me like a painful yellow fog

Murky, pungent, sucking life

This is garbage, you think

(Or maybe that’s me)

For Poetry is the thing Dickenson speaks of!

Hope singing, and the like

I bring a different kind of Word

Self-indulgent, maybe

But not if you really knew…

Well

Some of you do

Some of you do

We are the artists, yes the long-suffering Clichés,

Whose works, year-after-year-after-millennium,

Somehow still rings True

Life strikes down her yellow-gold-silver-blue

Splitting us all open, cracked as we already are

Shattering and shattering

You can almost here Zeus laughing in the skies while

Children are dying down here in spades

While so-called Gurus spew

Unrelatable but somehow edible

Spiritual vomit

People sinking knee-deep in it

Eyes wild, wide

Heads nodding, bobbing like Robotrons

Mouths lapping up regurgitated chunks

Hungry

Starving to ingest the One-Sided

Disguised as Salvation

Hands dripping with acid stench

Shoveling, scooping

Inhaling someone else’s excrement

Proclaiming it delicious

Denial is a Siren

A sweet Goddess of affliction

Who is so annihilating-ly believable

We all think we’ve got gold in our palms

Ever-fooling ourselves

So I take on the role of The Outcast

I must

This painful yellow fog beats out of me

(Go ahead and find it disgusting)

Not because I wish to be different

(Though, fuck you, I’m different)

But because mainly

I must be a Counter

To all the golden puke we cling to

Pretending that it is Soul

The Cherry Tree

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cherrytree

Disbelief, my own believing

Chop down the Cherry Tree

Remembering’s deceiving

‘Til we find who we were meant to be

Another lifetime lost in dreaming

Another spent in fantasy –

A lie, which claims it is revealing

A lie who swallows you and me

Reality’s the tougher dealing

They feed us all these toxic seedlings

So find some kind of healthy healing

Turn off your flat-screen TV

———————————-

One foot steeped courageously

In all Life’s Deepest Mysteries

The other pulling desperately

Never quite releasing

Entrenched in sand – heavy, quick

Mud-like, glue-like, sticky, thick

I built this bridge brick by brick

Now I’m standing right on top of it

Straddling two different lands

One foot stuck, one foot free

At least I’ve got these hands

I dig on in; I loosen things

Attempting Hanuman’s mountainous leap

Disbelief was once concealing

The inner faith that I’ve been feeling

Experientially

Never keen on blind following

I’ll take Shraddha, please

———————————–

Illusion sheds

It burns away

I turn my face towards

Today

I whisper to myself —

I say, “Allow…allow…allow…”

“Look!” I exclaim, right out loud

To no one in particular

The Cherry Tree’s alive, I see

It stands quite perpendicular —

Blossomed, fragrant, heavenly

I taste the fruit it offers me

The truth of Life where it belongs —

Back inside of me

Unwise

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Image

We danced around with blinded eyes

Seeking like we do in youth that

Elusive serum we call Truth

Unreachable until we’re wise

And wisdom don’t set in so soon

Wisdom comes from a million tries

Or, perhaps, a million-two

Heaven on Earth is only gained

When you’ve learned the lesson in the pain

And not just said, “It’s hard, I quit”

Nor let your bitter keep you bit

But dive — heart-first! — right into it

Dig up all the Masters teach

Watch the ego’s trickery

Which leads you to a wishing well

Of good intentions, yes — paved to hell

There is no skipping steps, you see

There is no more poor me, poor me

It’s time to wake, unblind your eyes

A fool alone will claim she’s wise

So pick up that big cross you dropped

‘Cause darling

You gotta few more tries…

 

 

The Unseen

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Something grows, imperceptibly

The Great Ones speak of Liminal Space and

The World of the Unseen

Where so many things are happening

Tell me about your world-view

Does it include the Truth of the Unseen

The beauty of the unscientific mystery

Science a wonderful thing indeed

But always tending to catch up with the spiritual views

— The guru’s truths —

— The real-world magic that can’t always be proved —

Until sometimes it is and then everyone jumps in

Having scoffed at Faith as if it were a weakness

“You need something to cling to”

Oh darling, as if I had not clung and then thrown it all away to Seek

— To disbelieve —

— To question everything —

There are two kinds of faith

Blind and Experiential

Funny how in my own life

Experiential led to Blind

Oh, to experience the Numinous

— The luminous —

I am sad for all those who do not see

Who cannot believe

Who pity me

Make no mistake

I do not pity them

Nor do I devalue their experience

It is their Truth, equally

Oh, but I must confess I do wish for them

This beautiful gift of Seeing Into All of This!

To have gone through the hell of the Quest

And come to realize that there is another transformation that exists:

Experience creates faith

But once it’s solidified inside

You no longer believe

— There is no need —

For you possess just one thing

Total, complete

Knowing

 

 

A Worthy Endeavor

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I feel Hope rise up, filling me

Pouring out my eyes

Gratitude bursting out of my heart

I think it just grew about three sizes

At the very same time

I feel scared shitless

Not a great word for a poem, maybe

But True

It is scary to Hope

Because it’s Dark Partner – Disappointment —

Has Crushed me more time than I can count

“Don’t hope at all, don’t feel this much…”

Some small voice begs from deep inside my soul

But the Hope is too powerful

And it flushes my entire system with this kind of warm glow

Another part of me smiling and shouting with joy

I LOVE EVERYBODY!!!!

It is so hard to not get attached to emotions like this —

To know they will change

Why is it that when we’re in the depths of despair

It feels like the pain will Never Shift

It feels like the suffering is endless

We so easily forget the small beautiful moments

Heart-aches somehow solidify more

Hook into us

Yet

When we Hope, when we Love, when we Feel Amazing

There is a voice that cautions,

“Now now – not too much…

Don’t be too happy…

The other shoe’s is about to drop…”

It’s true and false at the same time

Feelings move

That is what they do

So I come to the One Great Altar:

Allowance

Knowing I must let myself fully accept This Moment

This Joy

And, with courage, do the same for the inevitable

Other Side.

What an enormous task.

But what a worthy endeavor.

YOU ARE

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I am Radiance

I am the Joyous Dancer

Mountains still the dissonance

See your Great Accomplishments!

Feel your own Benevolance

They speak through me

To beg you:

Please!

Know yourself as you know Me!

I AM Radiance

And so are thee

Dance and Sing and Love with me

Be still

Be soft

Be wildly

Free

Sweetness Embodied

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Will I ever see

Sweetness embodied?

Will I ever be

Who I was meant to be

Free of the never-ending Craving

Or will I just get used to it?

Will it stay with me like this

Like some kind of Over-Lay

Stifling and comforting

Horrific and Binding

Loving and Blinding

Murderous

Luminous

The Two Sides of me

Universally embodied in this one human frame

I ought not complain

For this gift of living so close to the edge

Befriending the insane

Riding the line that’s ever-so-fine

And I —

Lucky, really —

To not fall off permanently on that Other Side

But still I crave to know You better

But who is it that Craves in me

For —

To Know You better means more suffering

Sometimes I wish I were simpler

I wish I could go back to the ignorance

The small talk about something Surface

But there is No Return from This

I must simply go through

A piece of laundry

Just thrown in the mix

Trying to reach

Cleanliness

The process to get there tumultuous

Torturous

But I’m egged on by talk of Bliss

Of tenderness

Of the idea that sweetness can be

Embodied.

First The Hell

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I am being crucified

Cut by the Sword of the Great Divine

A sword sharpened by the Dark Side

I have Nothing Left to give You

Why should I continue to Try

To prove to You – what?

Just what?

I am only being Crucified!

Ah — my breath catches on this pain

Slicing through my Weeping, Broken heart

Where is my God?

I am abandoned.

I am Lost.

Oh God, Oh God

At what cost do I try and stay True to You?

I can’t bear this anymore!

My throat is closed off

I type with a wet keyboard

There is no semblance of reverence

I don’t remember my relevance

Have I not repented?

Have I not suffered relentlessly?

I cry out

Goddess, what in Your Name do you want from me?

Have I not honored you enough?

Must I give my Life for your Love?

Because I will

I am bloodied and broken

Hung on the cross

Waiting for hell

And I have kissed the feet of Ereshkigal!!!

What else could You possibly want from me?

I have been to hell!

I have been to hell!

I have lived there so long why let me come up

To breathe in such exquisite air

If I am only to be sent right back there?

I have danced with the devil

And fought with the beasts

I have come into consciousness

From down on my knees

Begging you only

Just show me – just show me

But I am alone

Dear God I am lonely!

Perhaps you think me full of pride

Oh, why must I be crucified?

But then…I know why:

It is time for Some Part of me to die

So another Part can come alive

I know this horrific cycle well

I will get the Gold

But first:

The Hell.

 

 

His Laughter Echoes

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I feel like I’ve been broken open

Split down the center line

Sawed through with the Devil’s autograph

Claiming,

“Now you’re Mine.”

There is no more fight inside ‘cause I’ve fought and I’ve fought

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried —

But the Devil’s sword is so much sharper than mine

And he wields it so gracefully —

This Practicing Dark Divine

I am shaking now, trembling

Carved open like some great ravine

A chasm – the stuff of me spilled out

Tongue cut out

No voice

No way to scream

Haunted, Haunted by this imagery

Lucifer – seducing me

Abusing me

Where is the Other Side of God?

Where is my Mother’s Bosom?

Where is my protection from all of This –

Horrific Life

Horrific-ness

People are so Blind

But I – I – I see

(In a way They cannot see

They Refuse to See)

Stuck with all this gut-wrenching disgust

Watching horror-struck

As human beings are ripped from me

Are hurt

Are lost

Are suffering

And I am only One person

Fighting my own Unending Fight –

To come to Wholeness

To journey through Night

To cross the Dark Sea and the Great Divide

To merge the two

And I have done this for You!

The Eternal You!

And now I cry out –

I can’t go on!

Please, please hear me

I plead, I need, I beg, I bleed

From the Silenced walls of my desperate soul

Devil laughing – I am broken open

His Ink pervades my soul.

His laughter echoes.