The Still Point

I have come now

to the Still Point

that place the ego does not like

for it requires waiting, resting, being

Digesting

Can’t we just rush forward

Get to the next thing

Do just a little more

I say firmly,

No my Hercules

We must stop

It is time to integrate

I know how you hate it

How you wish to push further

Conquer the next task

Kill the next dragon

Or make it our pet

And we will get there in time

I promise

For now the best way you can help me

is to let us Be

Breathe

Feel

Would you join me?

I’ll make us that peach and clove tea you like

Sip it slowly and take in the gray clouds and the rich, Fall feeling that goes with them

There, now

Not as bad as you thought, huh

This Waiting.

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March

I saw a bad movie last night

With a good line —

“You embrace the suck and you move the fuck on”

So today I March

I wake

I ride

I take

I move into the deep flux of my life and say

YES

Okay

Why Not

Today? Tonight? Done. There.

What have I been doing all these years but

Hiding myself within myself

Tricked into the trap of staying there

I have begged my Captor to let me free

But my Captor was me

and I was not listening

Desperate I whispered let me be uncomfortable

I can take it

But he didn’t believe me

And really, how could he?

I was fucking whis-per-ing

It was all I could muster then

But somehow, I dragged my heavy feet through the mud

These last three days

Or 38 years

And I made it to the other side, wiping off the dried fragments of dirt and blood

Throwing those old boots aside

My bare, raw feet stepping down onto the hot coals in front of me

I don’t run or walk or hide

I just set my gaze to the now

And I March

Fight

There’s a thing They do to you

When they tell you to be good and nice and kind:

They split you in half

Wholeness lost to some ethereal, spiritual idea that Love is all there is

Child, you ain’t that high on the totem pole yet

You gotta work with that ego before you transcend

So, wake up

Or tell me about the world in which you live

I love fantasies

Sometimes, the compassionate thing is to kill

Or withhold

Or love from afar

But God-forbid (yes God-forbid) They teach you that

Sometimes mirroring another’s cruelty or ignorance is the singular chance to bring them into the Light

But we won’t do that when we’re nice and good and kind

Did They do it to you, too?

Split you in half?

And make you an anxious, shit-eating, people-pleasing robot?

Would you be humble enough to admit it if They did?

Did They have you thinking,

“But I don’t want to hurt their feelings!”

As if intentionally you would set out to do just that?

Jesus, you’re not a sociopath

Fearing narcissism is just another rebellion

A way They get you to stay in reactive states

Instead of integrating

None of us needed all that collective, dismissive, groveling crap

I, for one, will no longer be had

I’ll stab back because there is no one I’ll let split me in half

Ever again

No I’m not going back

I see with new, fierce eyes, clarified

My heart begins to grin, whole at last

And satisfied

Do you want to jump in?

Take my hand

Tie the left to the right and fight

It’s a bloody fucking battle, friend

I’m not gonna lie

But when you get to the other side you’ll realize

The war itself made you Unified

Yes it was war that made you unified

Try that on for size

There You Go Again

There you go again

with your stupid fucking Talk

I hear your voice, faint, in the background of my mind

Far-away–like

and controlling at the same time

You never did listen to me

or care about my feelings

You scoffed and spat and screamed malicious things

and blindly, I believed you

But I See you now

I hear you in the background

Fuck that “see no evil” shit

How do you think the Devil hides?

In plain sight.

We all just close our eyes

Pretend He isn’t there and try to look on the bright side

But that’s only one side

And I refuse to see out of only one eye

There you go again

Your voice just settled in

Like the sizzling heat on a cow’s skin

being branded

Thought I wouldn’t notice as you took over slowly

Seeping your way into my being

But you underestimated me

I See Everything

I’m done negotiating

Go ahead and keep on hissing

I’ve stopped my listening

Spin your wheels til there’s nothing left to spin

I’ll just watch, bemused and think

“There you go again…”

Bad-Bad

DemonLover

Where you been

Demon-Lover friend?

You left me again

Crawling up these walls

Clawing my nails into them

But I want them in your skin instead

It’s a fantasy so

Let’s play pretend

I know you aren’t my forever man

But let’s be bad

Come to my bed; slide on in

Fuck this being good

Holding all the tension in

I want to sin with you

Sink my hooks on in

Let you do what I want you to

Front door’s open

Just come in

Allow our fantasies to live

Sweat and passion and perfectness

There’s no room for humanness with you

But I don’t want to be human with you

Lets mix with the gods for an hour or two

Because the Mundane Tomorrow always comes

It always comes

Such a bitter truth

Tonight let’s smash through collective rules

Dive deep into our own depravity

Oh, this bondage of morality!

I’m tired of it, I’m just like you

See…

Either way we stay a slave to light or dark

So why behave?

To scrawl, “I Was Good” upon my grave?

Good’s so overrated, babe

So, instead…I’ll let you in

Just come this way

Come this way

BoundFree

 

 

heartopening

I thrive in You

I come alive

Through and through you feel me and feed me

Truth’s breeze rushes like a ghost through my broken-open soul

I will never go back

I can never go back

A shattered soul is how the light gets through

Never believed it before

but now I do

Oh, I know

Life won’t be anything close to perfect

Or some fantasy of mine conjured up in the wish-making world of the ego

Begging, grasping, crying out for control always and endlessly

A defeat for the ego is a victory for the Self*

So I let my battered ego lick her wishful wounds

While the Self grows strong and conscious

Through my very own humanity and suffering

I have you and you, you also have me

Without one another we do not thrive

We just stagnate and exist

You, thrashing around in some kind of empty Glory

Me, without purpose

But together we cut through cement like feathered blades of kelly-green grass

Impossibly yet entirely

Tell me — what could be more meaningful than the transformation

Of another being?

In this moment of strength I say

The suffering is worth it

May I remember this in my weakness and may you forgive me

And accept me in All Forms

And may I do the same for You

Bound as we choose to be by this marriage of Awareness

Bound

Only as we choose to be

And I do

 

 

*C.G. Jung quote

Twisted

Trick, trick, trick

Tick tick tick

He won’t stop

‘Til He gets what He wants

Stealing all my thoughts

To twist and turn and weave

As He sees fit

Taking all clarity

Hoarding all wit

He’s like a Hawking, or Jobs or Einstein

But multiplied infinite times

Oh honey, you ain’t gonna win His game

Genius like this is Genius Insane

Trick trick trick

Tick tick tick

That great mind you think is up to it

Is proof you’ve already been Tricked

There is no up to it with a Devil like this

All that education, that intelligence

He’s just got you building a higher fence

Humming, foolishly, as you close yourself in

He’s running circles around you

Your best psychological thinking is His

He tells you “it’s projection”

He won’t let you have a thing

Don’t you know by now

He will tell you anything

Just to keep Himself going

To stop you from feeling your True Feelings

The only chance you might actually have

To not be

Tricked tricked tricked

Tick tick tick…

 

UNREALIZED

I am starting to Begin

To realize

All I have Unrealized

The things I have known

That have been shoved way down deep inside

Though prying fingers have tried to open up

The Vault in me

It stayed cemented shut

If I couldn’t get to it

You sure as hell weren’t going to

But somehow

The cement has begun to soften

Sticky now, like it wants to be

Pried open

Torn apart

Ripped open

Blown apart

Exposing fully

The human vulnerability that is

me

Heart-Throbbing in the open space

Of human community

Feeling the Everyone-Air touch my Raw Wounded soul

And very slowly

Ever-so-slowly

Begin to Know

When I am hurt again

(for that can’t be prevented)

My Greatest Strength will protect me:

My vulnerability

My ability to Feel All These Things

To move through them in my community

And know

Really Know

That though the individual journey is On My Own

I am never, ever

Alone.

And as I continue to uncover my soul

I begin to unweave

The Unrealized Me.

 

Lilith Rising

She is livid mad

Crazy bad

Kick your ass kind of badass Wo-

man

But ain’t no man a fan

Of this kind of Black-Red

Sick-nisssss (I mean that in the Present Tense –

Sick as awesome not sick as bad)

Just ask the First Man —

Adam

How he couldn’t stand

The Original Kick-ass lass:

The one we know as

Lilith.

How he moaned and bitched like a little bitch:

“Ooo, waaa….God made a mistake —

‘Cause this woman won’t Subjugate”

Subservi-ate made Her irate

‘Less Than’ was nothing she would tolerate

So God banished Her to the Other Land

But She was the Wrong One to ban!

Shoulda took that Adam-Man off his

Ladder, man —

Made him mate with matter, man

But he shoved Lilith in the Shadow-Land

And by His command…

Another woman up God’s sleave!

Mix, carve, blow…

Why look!

It’s Eve.

Oh, so willing,

Oh, so sweet

So ready to just

Lie Beneath

And take what Adam did bequeath

She’d lay there silent,

Just receiving

The entire time just believing

She must be doing the Right Thing —

By never, ever

Speaking

Adam praised God’s “Good Girl” work

Secretly feeling like the biggest jerk

For all the while he was fucking Eve –

It was Lilith he was seeking.

Epilogue:

[And all the men wonder today

Why a woman won’t just speak up and say

All the things that she is feeling

But deep inside an Ancient Fear

That we’ll be Sent Away for speaking

There’s that Usher song, you know… the one that says:

“Want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed…”

But the Freak is the one who won’t Lie Beneath…

The one We All left for dead.

She wonders now, as she breaks out

And leaves her Shadow Land

Who is strong enough to Share my bed…

Is there Such a Man?]

The Path of Heart

It doesn’t have to be Some Big Thing

You do today.

The Inner Judge that Pushes you

Also Leads Astray.

The Thing inside that Punishes

The Thing that ever-states,

“It doesn’t matter what you want,

Just do exactly as I say.”

We all have that Thing inside us

We may call it by different names

But the Harsh Advice it gives us

Always sounds the same.

It Beats Us Up with Expert Reasons

Harvested in self-harm, for

When a child falls or stumbles —

Does it help to also break his arm?

So when this Thing attacks you

It helps to know He’s there

It helps to know His twisted Tricks

It helps to Stay Aware.

When the Punisher has got the whip

And He’s giving you your twenty licks

Look again and understand

The whip itself

Is in your hand.

You can choose to Notice that!

Call on a different inner part:

Let your Warrior take over

And choose the Path of Heart.