If I Didn’t Have You

If I didn’t have you

I wouldn’t have me

what a journey it has been

(what a journey it will be)

unfolding all Life’s deepest mysteries

I see them stroll on down the street

headphones on, obliviously

missing all the subtleties

there are those who can’t recall

a single dream, not one at all

and then there is me and there is you

we’ve burned in hell and soared in blue

wrestled demons and held God’s hands

we’ve Seen Things the others can’t

deeper layers, lifted veils

I do my yoga, you hike your trails

what we share can’t be explained

what was lost, now reclaimed

an indestructible house exists

one where all the Whole Souls live

I revel in my gratitude

I revel because I’m free

Thank you will never be enough

If I didn’t have you

I wouldn’t have



There’s a thing They do to you

When they tell you to be good and nice and kind:

They split you in half

Wholeness lost to some ethereal, spiritual idea that Love is all there is

Child, you ain’t that high on the totem pole yet

You gotta work with that ego before you transcend

So, wake up

Or tell me about the world in which you live

I love fantasies

Sometimes, the compassionate thing is to kill

Or withhold

Or love from afar

But God-forbid (yes God-forbid) They teach you that

Sometimes mirroring another’s cruelty or ignorance is the singular chance to bring them into the Light

But we won’t do that when we’re nice and good and kind

Did They do it to you, too?

Split you in half?

And make you an anxious, shit-eating, people-pleasing robot?

Would you be humble enough to admit it if They did?

Did They have you thinking,

“But I don’t want to hurt their feelings!”

As if intentionally you would set out to do just that?

Jesus, you’re not a sociopath

Fearing narcissism is just another rebellion

A way They get you to stay in reactive states

Instead of integrating

None of us needed all that collective, dismissive, groveling crap

I, for one, will no longer be had

I’ll stab back because there is no one I’ll let split me in half

Ever again

No I’m not going back

I see with new, fierce eyes, clarified

My heart begins to grin, whole at last

And satisfied

Do you want to jump in?

Take my hand

Tie the left to the right and fight

It’s a bloody fucking battle, friend

I’m not gonna lie

But when you get to the other side you’ll realize

The war itself made you Unified

Yes it was war that made you unified

Try that on for size

There You Go Again

There you go again

with your stupid fucking Talk

I hear your voice, faint, in the background of my mind


and controlling at the same time

You never did listen to me

or care about my feelings

You scoffed and spat and screamed malicious things

and blindly, I believed you

But I See you now

I hear you in the background

Fuck that “see no evil” shit

How do you think the Devil hides?

In plain sight.

We all just close our eyes

Pretend He isn’t there and try to look on the bright side

But that’s only one side

And I refuse to see out of only one eye

There you go again

Your voice just settled in

Like the sizzling heat on a cow’s skin

being branded

Thought I wouldn’t notice as you took over slowly

Seeping your way into my being

But you underestimated me

I See Everything

I’m done negotiating

Go ahead and keep on hissing

I’ve stopped my listening

Spin your wheels til there’s nothing left to spin

I’ll just watch, bemused and think

“There you go again…”




I can handle emotions, explosions

Such commotion in motion

From the unconscious ocean

You tried to drown me when you found me on the shores of Devotion

A catalyst for The Analyst who lives in this skin

while Sirens beckoned so sweetly

“Come back in, come back in…”

Melodic voices drenched wretched with sin

You bound my wrists and my eyes

Plugged my ears

Threw me in

But when you learned to slither, friend…

I learned to swim

You thought me lost

The Sacrified lamb

But I’d gone to hell — got acquainted with Hades

Befriended the devils

And that lamb?

Oh so tasty

Still don’t know it’s name was

But it sure wasn’t ‘Katie’

The Time has arisen, I’m out of my prison

Hell made me Whole

Clear is my vision

The Sirens may call but my ears do not listen

No infection in my direction

From dismembered dissection

Put myself back together

In perfect imperfection

I call myself servant

Head down and gaze in

The one Call I answer?

The Call from Within




Trick, trick, trick

Tick tick tick

He won’t stop

‘Til He gets what He wants

Stealing all my thoughts

To twist and turn and weave

As He sees fit

Taking all clarity

Hoarding all wit

He’s like a Hawking, or Jobs or Einstein

But multiplied infinite times

Oh honey, you ain’t gonna win His game

Genius like this is Genius Insane

Trick trick trick

Tick tick tick

That great mind you think is up to it

Is proof you’ve already been Tricked

There is no up to it with a Devil like this

All that education, that intelligence

He’s just got you building a higher fence

Humming, foolishly, as you close yourself in

He’s running circles around you

Your best psychological thinking is His

He tells you “it’s projection”

He won’t let you have a thing

Don’t you know by now

He will tell you anything

Just to keep Himself going

To stop you from feeling your True Feelings

The only chance you might actually have

To not be

Tricked tricked tricked

Tick tick tick…



I am opened

I can See

Revelations aren’t mere fascinations to me

Oh sweetest of all symphonies

I hear your voice sing to me in melodies unparalleled

Held in a Heart that is ours

There is no procrastination

Or destination

Time deconstructed

“Vacation” is the true state of our nation

If only we would give it our attention

In each moment

Do you get it

It is not merely about elation

Or some kind of Light-Only Spiritualization

But complete connection to What Is Now –

The Way

The Tao

Stop your desperate searching for inspiration

Give to yourself your own imagination

Manifestation only one element

Of All that Is

We could never Live

In only Light

The fight is the Matrix

Takes us out of the flow

Accept them both – the ebb, the flow

And begin to Know

The truth of your Soul

That One is always Two ‘til there’s complete integration

Which then  — exclamation! – creates

The Whole.

However Brief

Today I sit in peace

No Great Push telling me to

Go, go, go

Get there before it is too late


As if that were what really mattered

Ego dies

Essence lives on

How have I really lived?

Spinning, reaching, mind-fucking myself daily?

Or have I stopped?

Have I looked?

Have I let myself Wonder without the edgy, itchy rat-race feeling?

Have I been hell-bent on learning, on growing towards

That Damned elusive destination

Whose Reality exists only in the now?


Have I missed all the Sacred Moments and Amazing People

Right in front of me?

Have I been so eager to speak and do

That I could not hear or be?

Have I run myself in circles only to find myself

Standing in the same place?

Not today.

Today I sit in peace.

I let the breeze touch my face

I hear the children laugh and shriek as children do

And I let it all be,

However brief

However brief…

Black Widow

I feel long, spidery-limbs reaching out of the sky

Or sitting, Heavy, in the corner of the room



She is the Atom Bomb,


But no one can see her venomous, toxic waves of breath

Infecting, dissecting,

Rejecting us

There is no milk or honey here

No willow tree or baby’s breath

Only Her insidious Neglect

And her insatiable urge to Trap

To suffocate us in her hairy grasp

Like Saran or cellophane




In clear webs we do not know

We are in

Sad little ignorant



How Conscious Are You?

I was in Savasana today after yoga class (the final “resting” pose) and I was called to write about the following: The Injured Feminine (which pertains often to dark or “societally unacceptable” feelings and this exists in both men and women, though I will be focusing on women for the purposes of this blog; specifically, women and their daughters.)

I have been encountering women in my daily life who are totally out of touch with themselves, and therefore also with their daughters, sons, husbands, etc. When a person is not in touch with herself, she greatly limits any capacity to truly connect or relate to others.

I started wondering, “Why? Why are these women so completely out of touch?” My first instinct was anger – because I see the damage they are doing to their loved ones; sadly, however, most of them do not even realize it.  The temptation for me is to judge and blame. Does that temptation come easily to you too? My thoughts were:  Why don’t these women work on themselves? Why don’t they recognize their lack of consciousness and relatedness? But then, that question answers itself, doesn’t it? It brings to mind the quote by Jesus, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”

One cannot “know” or “do” what has neither been learned nor modeled for them. Most of these women came from mothers who were either in “survival” mode or unconscious of their own needs. This will make sense as we go back generationally to look at this. When we do, we will see that Blame has no place here. However, we will also see how much destruction the “Old Way” of being (refusing to look at feelings, devaluing femininity) has left in it’s wake; how much it has harmed our sons and daughters; and how much it will continue down the generational line if there is not someone in the family who says, “Enough.” Maybe that person is you.

Let’s back up. If we go back many generations, we can read laws that clearly state that women were considered “cattle.” We were something to be owned. We look at this now and can recognize the ludicrousness – but it is important to note that this is where we came from – devaluation, injustice and ownership. Was this true? Of course not. It was an idea formed from the ignorance of humankind. I do not place blame here, for we can’t change what was; however, we must look at what was to follow it through to what is now – and I would say that what is now is a lot of ingrained self-hatred and oppression that for a great many of us may be largely unconscious.  For example, how many of you first go to “beating yourselves up” or “berating yourself” when something goes wrong that when looked at critically, has very little to do with you? There you can see your own tendency towards a learned belief: “There’s something wrong with me.”

There are similarities with any minority group – African Americans, for example, and their great struggle for freedom and equality. I’ve heard this phrase many times, often from the mouths of African Americans themselves: “Why are brothers killing brothers?” From a psychological perspective – this is self-hatred projected outward. How can we not see (as a society) that this projection truly exists!? That is just incredible to me. If I have been told since the beginning of time that I am “a thing; an object; cattle; wrong; bad; less-than,” I will hold that within me; even if I grew up in a great family, these themes are archetypal (archaic and typical — meaning: they pervade through time) and may affect my person. This sense of worthlessness will corrode us until and unless we can realize it is not we who are worthless. It is the message that is worthless. It is the great lies we have somehow taken in and internalized that are worthless. Undoing this is a HUGE challenge, when most of us do not want to believe that these types of generational themes, feelings and messages can and do affect us NOW.

The same principle goes with women, femininity and the messages we have received over the years (and I can’t even begin to imagine the plight of African American women!). I can hear a few of you in my head saying, “Well, sure, but at some point, people have choice – and they must choose to get over it.” To them I offer a quote from Carl Jung: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it Fate.” What that means is: the concept of choice comes from consciousness. In my opinion, beliefs and belief systems are often embossed in our souls prior to birth. If you disagree with this concept, you may be able to acknowledge, at least, that we receive messages about who we are from the moment we are born. Labels like “She,” “He,” “Ugly,” Attractive,” etc., are placed on us like psychic clothing that may or may not be something we want to wear. Messages are received about our roles, about what is and is not acceptable in our family dynamics, and about who we are as soon as we are welcomed to the planet.  All of this informs us about ourselves and it is often enormously inaccurate, which is why neurosis build – some part of us knows we are living an inauthentic life and That Part is miserable. Until we look at those messages and mindfully unweave them, we will be, on some level, doing things out of a perceived idea of “choice.”

There is a kernel of hope in all of this, and that is the fact that for the first time in Western civilization, there is a greater movement towards consciousness and awareness work without, say, the use of mind-altering substances.

If we look just a couple of generations back to those living in Western society during The Great Depression, we can see in part where the “lack” mentality comes from. Grandma and Grandpa didn’t have time to “work on themselves” in the way we do now. They made it possible for us to be where we are by getting us to survive and for that I have so much respect and gratitude. We would not exist without the strength and hard work of our ancestors. That said, we will soon be the ancestors for the next generations and we need to step it up, get out of “survival” mode and begin to work on relatedness to – number one — ourselves – and, following that – to others. The first will bring about the second.

What do you want to pass down to your children?

Parents, I believe, have such an awesome responsibility to their offspring. The first is that they allow the person to be who they are, whether it fits in with what the parents want or wish or not. Children want nothing more than to please their parents. You can see this even in abused or neglected children – they will do anything to earn the love of a parent. So, it is up to the parents to learn to work with themselves – and that means, especially – working with their feelings, reactions and parenting skills. This is the hardest job because the parents who choose to do this now most likely NEVER HAD THIS MODELED. So, how does a woman, who was never seen herself, who was never related to – how does she learn to do this for her child? That is the difficult, unanswerable question.

My guess is she must have some Thing inside her that whispers, “This is not right,” or “I want to grow.” Not everyone has that internal urging to grow and that is so sad. Many people would rather stay unconscious like the women I have encountered lately. Many say the right thing, but inwardly feel resentment that they are unable to acknowledge. When you encounter someone like this, you will probably FEEL their hidden emotions. This is unconscious poison. Many do “the right thing” but do so in order to be in the role of “the martyr.” They get a sense of feeling “worth something” only by being in this role. What is heart-breaking is twofold: 1. This type of person is deeply traumatized themselves and 2. They are deeply traumatizing their loved ones by not being available for them in a realistic, non “all-about-me” kind of way. Their loved ones get missed.  Many of these women want to be acknowledged by others, but what they fail to realize is that they must learn to acknowledge their own suffering, their own deep feeling nature! Also, ironically, the behavior they exhibit actually turns others off and pushes them farther away – so the person never gets what she seeks – relationship and connection. And she is unable to give that either. This is how unconscious destruction is handed down generationally.

For those of you reading this – I beg you: Be brave enough to face the true depth and width of your feelings. The dark feelings of the Feminine have been ostracized as “not okay” and labeled a million different things that all equate to “shame” or the idea that “I should not have such feelings.” The error was never in having these feelings – the error was in dismissing, abandoning or ignoring them! The best gift you can give to yourself and to this world is the willingness to suffer consciousness. If you can’t do it for yourself, and you have children – do it for them.

If, however, your parent does not have that capability to go within, the courage to be brave and ask the tough questions, and connect to their feelings – you must learn to cultivate this ability for yourself, or you will forever be trapped by the unconscious things that control your life.

I hope this blog helps you ask yourself if you are okay with that or not.

I wish you all courage, strength, and moments of happiness on your own journey.

Much Love,

Aria Phoenix