The Loving Thing
I guess
Would be to let you just be where you are
but fuck
it’s so hard
acceptance
Free
Free
Heart open
Free
Arms spread
Free
Weightless
Free
———————————
Held captive
far too long
Wrists bruised
beyond black and blue
Heart trapped
without song
(The only sound —
the noise of you)
But I took the shackles off today
Let the sun shine on my face
High time I got on my way
Yeah, I left without a trace
You won’t again deny me
of You, I’ll stay aware
and You will never find me
For Darkness can’t see Clear
This feeling penetrates me
Heart open
There’s no fear
No, you won’t ever find me
So search away, my dear
——————————-
Free, I am
Heart open
Free, I am
Arms wide
Free
I feel weightless
Free I am
Inside
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Something Wonderful
Whatever – what ever — you have
Own it
Embody yourself like you never have before
Take that spirit of yours and
Step In
Into the body you have now
No protesting allowed
Or judgment or fear
Own what is yours to own
Because I swear to you
It feels good
It feels so fucking good
Because no one else can do it for you
Because All that is you will whisper away
If you don’t lay Claim
Don’t let Time steal what you have refused to own
Only you can breathe in You
And breathe out You
And make something Wonderful
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It’s Okay
There’s something you’re waiting for
And it’s okay
You’re allowed
Just to date
To explore
Beat back that invasive shame
Stop sitting down with your self
Just to play The Guilt Games
You and I both know
There is something you’re waiting for
And I swear,
It’s gotta be okay
We gotta make that okay
You were not made
To settle
Or stay for the sake of staying
So you can say
But he’s so nice
Or
She’s a good girl
I can’t hurt her feelings
Can’t make him feel pain
Oh baby, you’re not that arrogant
Are you?
Or that afraid?
Don’t put it on him or her
All that silly blame
Take it back
Own your fate
You were meant to choose something great
Put your heart in charge
Shut the naysayers away
Lock that door
You and I both Know
There’s someone you’re waiting for
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What Else Is There?
You tell me to trust —
Surrender —
And I try
But the memories of failure still live
Rejection burned in my mind
Why is Unrequited Love so easy to find?
Seems like the laundry keeps spinning
But it ain’t gettin’ clean
He goes after her, and she goes after someone else
Et cetera, et cetera…
You know what I mean
And so we go — just chasing the dream
Some kind of twisted fantasy
One disappointment after another
Another serving of Passionless Whatever
Oh, yes, another helping for me, please!
Plopped down on my plate like prison-cafeteria slop
You start to feel like you’ve tried everything
Putting yourself out there
Holding yourself in
Taking a date because, well, he’s nice
Refusing the date because he’s just…nice
But that Essence is missing
That thing that breaks a person wide open
So I ask You —
What is there to trust?
Broken open doesn’t often last even when it happens
Diamonds just turn back to dust
So my shaken prayer is this and always this –
Just let me Accept
Because really –
What else is there?
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Not Bad
You are not bad
Why, my child, whoever told you that?
I think They must not have known what they said
Would you listen to me, instead?
You are not bad
You are not the reason for all the yuck of life
Life just comes with yuck
Wish that lesson would have stuck
“You are a child of the Universe…
No less than the trees or stars…”
And they too, are not bad or good —
They, my child, just are
You are allowed to Be
You are allowed to stumble through life
Deep in the mess of it
In fact, I encourage it
What other way is there
But to fight through
Reaching your worthy fingers into the rough ground to spread roots
And rise
Or burn for thousands of years and burst
Dying-Alive at the same time
You are made up of a million things
In this human being
But you are not wrong
And you are not bad
Could you, would you let go of those rigid notions?
“Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.
I will meet you there.”
Perhaps we are meeting now
*Quote 1 from Desiderata 2 by Rumi
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When Morning Comes
When mourning comes
The slow and painful rise of awareness
Bright and shocking to our confused eyes
When the tears fall for the Unlived Life
And the thoughts come of What Could Have Been
The Should Have Been’s
The If Only’s
Do we deny, then, or accept?
When mourning comes and the tidal waves of deep regret
Stick to your cheeks, smearing them with agony and loneliness
And your heart screams, why can’t it be different?
I should have known
And you look stupidly at your own ignorance
Mad at something that makes no sense to be mad at
Oh but so, so mad
And sad
The piercing bitterness rises
When mourning comes
And morning always comes
Do we deny, then, or accept?
Can we forgive ourselves for the Not Knowing
Can we start to see through new eyes
Polished, clearer from our suffering
And see — truly see — that there is no other way for any of us
To live this journey
Except exactly as it is
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Surrender
Oh sweet surrender!
I lie in the arms of my beloved
And breathe a sigh of relief
It is not up to me
It is not up to me
How tightly I held on!
And for so long
Grasping at straws
Greedy for answers
On my timeline
My ego screeched —
Begging, suffering, fighting
Struggling, striving
Needlessly
Needlessly!
Like fighting the wind
Or the stars
Demanding control of that which cannot be!
To think I actually wanted answers when I wanted them
How boring
How stale
How unimaginative
The juice of life lives in the Unknown
I was an ant believing I was an elephant
Now I am an ant and know I am an ant
Oh sweet, sweet surrender
I grasp nothing
Nor is there any need…
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A Worthy Endeavor
I feel Hope rise up, filling me
Pouring out my eyes
Gratitude bursting out of my heart
I think it just grew about three sizes
At the very same time
I feel scared shitless
Not a great word for a poem, maybe
But True
It is scary to Hope
Because it’s Dark Partner – Disappointment —
Has Crushed me more time than I can count
“Don’t hope at all, don’t feel this much…”
Some small voice begs from deep inside my soul
But the Hope is too powerful
And it flushes my entire system with this kind of warm glow
Another part of me smiling and shouting with joy
I LOVE EVERYBODY!!!!
It is so hard to not get attached to emotions like this —
To know they will change
Why is it that when we’re in the depths of despair
It feels like the pain will Never Shift
It feels like the suffering is endless
We so easily forget the small beautiful moments
Heart-aches somehow solidify more
Hook into us
Yet
When we Hope, when we Love, when we Feel Amazing
There is a voice that cautions,
“Now now – not too much…
Don’t be too happy…
The other shoe’s is about to drop…”
It’s true and false at the same time
Feelings move
That is what they do
So I come to the One Great Altar:
Allowance
Knowing I must let myself fully accept This Moment
This Joy
And, with courage, do the same for the inevitable
Other Side.
What an enormous task.
But what a worthy endeavor.
ariaphoenix 