A Worthy Endeavor

I feel Hope rise up, filling me

Pouring out my eyes

Gratitude bursting out of my heart

I think it just grew about three sizes

At the very same time

I feel scared shitless

Not a great word for a poem, maybe

But True

It is scary to Hope

Because it’s Dark Partner – Disappointment —

Has Crushed me more time than I can count

“Don’t hope at all, don’t feel this much…”

Some small voice begs from deep inside my soul

But the Hope is too powerful

And it flushes my entire system with this kind of warm glow

Another part of me smiling and shouting with joy

I LOVE EVERYBODY!!!!

It is so hard to not get attached to emotions like this —

To know they will change

Why is it that when we’re in the depths of despair

It feels like the pain will Never Shift

It feels like the suffering is endless

We so easily forget the small beautiful moments

Heart-aches somehow solidify more

Hook into us

Yet

When we Hope, when we Love, when we Feel Amazing

There is a voice that cautions,

“Now now – not too much…

Don’t be too happy…

The other shoe’s is about to drop…”

It’s true and false at the same time

Feelings move

That is what they do

So I come to the One Great Altar:

Allowance

Knowing I must let myself fully accept This Moment

This Joy

And, with courage, do the same for the inevitable

Other Side.

What an enormous task.

But what a worthy endeavor.

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However Brief

Today I sit in peace

No Great Push telling me to

Go, go, go

Get there before it is too late

Accomplish

As if that were what really mattered

Ego dies

Essence lives on

How have I really lived?

Spinning, reaching, mind-fucking myself daily?

Or have I stopped?

Have I looked?

Have I let myself Wonder without the edgy, itchy rat-race feeling?

Have I been hell-bent on learning, on growing towards

That Damned elusive destination

Whose Reality exists only in the now?

Oops.

Have I missed all the Sacred Moments and Amazing People

Right in front of me?

Have I been so eager to speak and do

That I could not hear or be?

Have I run myself in circles only to find myself

Standing in the same place?

Not today.

Today I sit in peace.

I let the breeze touch my face

I hear the children laugh and shriek as children do

And I let it all be,

However brief

However brief…

This Is God

I am in The Chrysalis

I sit in meditation

How do I begin to tell you what it feels like

To be in the womb of the Great Mother?

How do I begin to describe this warm, pulsating energy

I am dropping down into

As I am lifted up at the same time?

I have never been more sober

Nor felt more high.

I am in a soft Orange-Red place.

I feel myself release into Trusting.

And then I

E X P A N D, oscillating out into Everything

And there is no more “I.”

How do I tell you I have actually

Experienced being One with the whole

Universe?

That “being one” is not an idea

But a sacred Act of Allowing

Allowing yourself to Feel so completely

That you lose yourself.

Only…it is not scary at all.

Not like I imagined.

My sweet ego thought about the end of my life and pleaded,

“But, there’s no one like me! I don’t want to die! I like who I am.”

Now I Know

Beyond a shadow of a doubt

Death is nothing to fear.