Raw

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I am deathly afraid you will strike me down

for opening my mouth

I sit frozen, shaking

an inner-earth-quaking

What if you spear my careful words

crafted from my great need for acceptance

I admit it!

I have crossed the bridge

and put myself Out There

Will I be crucified

Or stoned alive

Each step has led me here and I feel desperate

to take each step back now

What if I have doomed myself

Ruined everything again

Wanted or Needed too much

What if they tell me just to shut the fuck up

And Quit being so stupid

And We can see through your frantic attempts

You silly, useless fool

I cry out

I am so afraid

I am so eager to take-back

But I let it sit

Out There

With all of them

my throat choked from the waiting

Silent judgements killed me once

But I have to Stay

I have to hold strong and steady

I have to brave total annihilation

and trust that the world I knew once

has changed

And the terror just sits in the air

and hangs

 

There You Go Again

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There you go again

with your stupid fucking Talk

I hear your voice, faint, in the background of my mind

Far-away–like

and controlling at the same time

You never did listen to me

or care about my feelings

You scoffed and spat and screamed malicious things

and blindly, I believed you

But I See you now

I hear you in the background

Fuck that “see no evil” shit

How do you think the Devil hides?

In plain sight.

We all just close our eyes

Pretend He isn’t there and try to look on the bright side

But that’s only one side

And I refuse to see out of only one eye

There you go again

Your voice just settled in

Like the sizzling heat on a cow’s skin

being branded

Thought I wouldn’t notice as you took over slowly

Seeping your way into my being

But you underestimated me

I See Everything

I’m done negotiating

Go ahead and keep on hissing

I’ve stopped my listening

Spin your wheels til there’s nothing left to spin

I’ll just watch, bemused and think

“There you go again…”

No Hope

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Eyes burned wide open

can’t cry anymore

Numb to emotion

’cause I’ve seen it before

Nothing tugs at my heartstrings

No harp strings to play

’cause the instrument’s broken

Strings are all frayed

The bird that is Hope can’t perch or sing

an’ she’s getting so tired of flappin’ her wings

No heart to land on

Just bits on the floor

No respite, no Inn

Then

No Hope anymore

Satisfied

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daenerys

I’m not angry anymore

You run like mad from your own feelings

Wild, crazed, lost

And then say that I am Those Things

Ha.

You are a good man — somewhere –

But you are afraid

I cry for you who lives under the burden of this society

That says men don’t

The mask you wear is hardening

Be careful, boy

Sometimes masks get cemented into place

Undifferentiated

I am no longer offended

Or disappointed

Or think there must be something wrong with me

The haze has lifted

I’ve done the work

I see clearly

How fast, how furiously

You run

And I have no desire to run away with you

No

Give me the meat of life

I will sink in my claws and suck the juice of it all out

It will dribble down my chin and I will grin, widely

Supremely satisfied

Brick Walls

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DSCF9101

I’ve been in love with brick walls

Most of my life

Not sure why

Those sturdy stones, beautiful and strong

Built to last

And red

But I mistook the wall for something so much more

than it was

My hands crumble to dust in front of me

I stare at my own abandonment

When did I leave myself

How did I imagine this could love me back

My legs buckle underneath

Turn from bone and flesh and fat

to smoke

There is only brick and cement in front of me

Bouncing my thoughts back into my own head

No arms or legs —

I’ve become the brick

That makes up the wall

That gives nothing to me

Nothing at all

I lie in the gravel street

and hope someone takes me

and builds me into something great

Since I could not

Since I got so lost

On my way home

You Tell Me

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inner_fight_by_zen_3-d878kvv

I sit in my castle

waiting like a fool

Such a strange-familiar ache

To try and hold all Truths at once

breeds either unity or paralysis

But I am not unified

I have trapped myself here

It is not an evil witch who keeps me

Or some hoped-for Prince

But all the raging parts of my Self fighting this Great Fight

On the battlefield of my soul

I am sore

And tired

There is no one winning

I look so still in my castle

One might think me calm

But The All storms within me

each thing fighting the other equally

Heroes and Nemeses

matched up too perfectly

Am I holding the tension

Or just fucking

frozen?

Maybe you could tell me…

Free

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free

Free

Heart open

Free

Arms spread

Free

Weightless

Free

———————————

Held captive

far too long

Wrists bruised

beyond black and blue

Heart trapped

without song

(The only sound —

the noise of you)

But I took the shackles off today

Let the sun shine on my face

High time I got on my way

Yeah, I left without a trace

You won’t again deny me

of You, I’ll stay aware

and You will never find me

For Darkness can’t see Clear

This feeling penetrates me

Heart open

There’s no fear

No, you won’t ever find me

So search away, my dear

——————————-

Free, I am

Heart open

Free, I am

Arms wide

Free

I feel weightless

Free I am

Inside

Something Wonderful

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selflove

Whatever – what ever — you have

Own it

Embody yourself like you never have before

Take that spirit of yours and

Step In

Into the body you have now

No protesting allowed

Or judgment or fear

Own what is yours to own

Because I swear to you

It feels good

It feels so fucking good

Because no one else can do it for you

Because All that is you will whisper away

If you don’t lay Claim

Don’t let Time steal what you have refused to own

Only you can breathe in You

And breathe out You

And make something Wonderful

 

 

It’s Okay

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twinfl

There’s something you’re waiting for

And it’s okay

You’re allowed

Just to date

To explore

Beat back that invasive shame

Stop sitting down with your self

Just to play The Guilt Games

You and I both know

There is something you’re waiting for

And I swear,

It’s gotta be okay

We gotta make that okay

You were not made

To settle

Or stay for the sake of staying

So you can say

But he’s so nice

Or

She’s a good girl

I can’t hurt her feelings

Can’t make him feel pain

Oh baby, you’re not that arrogant

Are you?

Or that afraid?

Don’t put it on him or her

All that silly blame

Take it back

Own your fate

You were meant to choose something great

Put your heart in charge

Shut the naysayers away

Lock that door

You and I both Know

There’s someone you’re waiting for

AriaPhoenix Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

How many levels of hell are there?

Dante is fucking wrong

I have come to deadened space

Alive only with some kind of empty, disgusting, torturous insanity

A white void of horror

There is no God here

There is no God

I beg to be killed but there is no one to do it

And no instruments for my own use in this white sterile room

So I will starve to death on this bitter, pointless existence

And wake back up in this same room

If only I could be in Hell’s 9th level

This level has no number