At night
He comes
Obese, gray-black
Anger so repressed He is shaking
Below, like Earth’s been doing lately
Quaking
His eyes blank, mouth soft
Head knows nothing of his rage
Below
Trauma can split a person in two like that
So he sits
Heavy
Thinks he’s empty
Squashed
A car in a junkyard
Abandoned, forsaken
Crushed flat, fat
Like an overgrown gourd
Bulging, tumorous
At night
He comes
He speaks to me
An untrusting “hello”
Though
It is my voice I hear
Obese and gray-black
We’re not so different
You and I…
All these goals and dreams
We’re not so different
You and I
Some days our Sirens scream
The struggling, the striving
The overactive mind
The ADD
The BPD
Depression and the like
Begrudgingly we take a pill
Or emphatically refuse
Some days our hearts eat up the hate
But other days
They lose
We’re not so different
You and I
This fabric of our fears
Woven with a matching cloth
With wounded matching tears
We all insist so fervently
What’s wrong with This or That
Throwing stones at those who wear
Our own ever-changing hats
I, for one, I must admit
I am a humble hypocrite
But hope one day to try that hat
Say, it no longer fits
You cannot make me like you
Nor I make you like me
But God knows we try like children do
Force incessantly
Wonder who first had the thought
We all must be The Same
Wonder why we’re still playing
That stale, soul-crushing game
Inevitably the boomerang returns herself to Truth
And then our Pointing Fingers
Only make us Fools
Hero meets the Villain now
They make a brotherhood
The mirror sheds a brand new light
The way a mirror should
So let me gaze into your eyes
You’ll gaze into mine
Not so different after all
So different
You and I
I think I used up all my chances
For loving this life
Or light-hearted romances
I keep on choosing the red pill
Fantasies dance with me
My imagination runs with me
Occasionally
But I have come to believe
That what is Sold in this world
Is just not meant for me
I can’t live in Reality
(said sarcastically)
The way they do
All blindly
Though, I know it’s a ruse to call
It real, ‘cause reality’s not kindly
Eyes wide shut to The All that lives
To exist instead in the Matrix of illusion
A fusion of merely meager things
They are capable of seeing
I see the Unseen
Constantly
My heart splits and splits again
They ask me things I can’t ever answer
Because one can’t Explain the Deep Mysteries
Then, when I attempt, they think, “She’s crazy…she’s inflated.”
Full of myself, perhaps, or maybe inebriated
But I speak My Truth whether I’m sober or not
While they’re held hostage by illogical thought
Dismissing me away
Even as unconsciously they are asking me just What It Takes
But they don’t really wanna know just
What It Fucking Takes
I must resist the temptation to tell them
The answers they don’t really seek
I must toss my need to try and connect
Into the Humble back seat
You can’t sell Soul
When they live to forget
When they’re just not ready
Or it’s too deep to get
So I walk my journey alone
Yes, alone
My fantasies only an escape from my home
A home lived in Shadows
I row my small boat
Though my mind sometimes serves me
I eat
Alone
Disbelief, my own believing
Chop down the Cherry Tree
Remembering’s deceiving
‘Til we find who we were meant to be
Another lifetime lost in dreaming
Another spent in fantasy –
A lie, which claims it is revealing
A lie who swallows you and me
Reality’s the tougher dealing
They feed us all these toxic seedlings
So find some kind of healthy healing
Turn off your flat-screen TV
———————————-
One foot steeped courageously
In all Life’s Deepest Mysteries
The other pulling desperately
Never quite releasing
Entrenched in sand – heavy, quick
Mud-like, glue-like, sticky, thick
I built this bridge brick by brick
Now I’m standing right on top of it
Straddling two different lands
One foot stuck, one foot free
At least I’ve got these hands
I dig on in; I loosen things
Attempting Hanuman’s mountainous leap
Disbelief was once concealing
The inner faith that I’ve been feeling
Experientially
Never keen on blind following
I’ll take Shraddha, please
———————————–
Illusion sheds
It burns away
I turn my face towards
Today
I whisper to myself —
I say, “Allow…allow…allow…”
“Look!” I exclaim, right out loud
To no one in particular
The Cherry Tree’s alive, I see
It stands quite perpendicular —
Blossomed, fragrant, heavenly
I taste the fruit it offers me
The truth of Life where it belongs —
Back inside of me
Trust is a bitch
Disguised as some Perfect Thing
Trust is a trick
Bound by human weakness
Trust I think is meant to be broken
They tell us so many lies but
Trust is like anything else –
Susceptible to human foibles
And therefore, imperfect
We try
We take steps
But inevitably something breaks
Trust is broken
Perhaps True trust
Real Trust
Is staying with each break
And putting it back together again
This blanket made of Nothingness and Impudence
Woven with Depression and Resistance
Created just for you
Wrapped in it at birth
Hanging like a dark film over your shoulders
Under your feet
Must have felt like Home to you
This painful quilt of failures
So many excuses
It’s not that bad
People have it worse
And some do
And who cares?
I am interested in what happened to you
Tell me of your precious, unnatural cloak
Tell me how it’s home and you never wish to leave it
Tell me how you hate it and beg someone to rip it off
Let me know the fight in you
It’s not an easy feat
To start to choose the Unknown over Home
Even when home is unbearable
Oh the burden of a certain kind of familiarity
But
You are not the thing you wear
Nor whatever you were born into
You are underneath
Pure and unbroken
I believe
If we’d never seen the sun and suddenly it appeared
We’d fear annihilation — hide deep in our Darkness
Rather than welcome the soft warmth
So do we live from Fear…
Or do we Risk when it’s hardest to Risk
Who among us is brave enough
To take the cover off
Or — with new thread —
Begin again…
A blanket made of Happiness and Mindfulness
Woven with Compassion, Love and Peacefulness
Created just for you
Break the hex and run girl
Fly out into darkest night
With your feathered black wings
Shining black-blue in moonlight
Lift yourself out of this quicksand tar
Cut it off you
With anything you can grab
Gnaw it off you
If you have to
You do
Anything it takes
To break free
To leave this world behind and fly, fly
Fly…
He is all good looks and empty promises
Dripping with charm and warmth and dimpled smiles
Hugging everyone
Making you feel so special
But
Something inside him is not quite right
He don’t know that you see it
But you see it —
You won’t get pulled in the way They all do
With his unwavering brown eyes
That Way he looks at you –
Oh, I know – he’s looked That Way at me, too
His game is old
A poor peter pan boy,
Lost
Covered by this outer-seeming confidence
An actor playing a man
You meet his gaze
Wordlessly say —
I see right through you
Move along
I don’t need an actor
But a man
And with that, the puer is on to the next…
Because a real man takes a challenge willingly
I’m in that place
Where there is no try
Where desolation goes to die
No more questions, no more why
I’m in that place
Where there is no try
Only wishes and desperate pleas
Like winter’s snow falling silently
Melting before they are received
In this place one hopes for sad
Depression, even, not so bad
Joy a distant memory
The reining King is Apathy
He watches over fields of numb
And clouds of pain
Rivers where lives end in vain
His eyes are blank, a little grey
No one home
Nothing to say
His last try was a million lifetimes ago
Disconnection here the status quo
I’m in that place
Where there’s no reaching out
Or an inner voice who might cry out
And yell, “I do not wish to die!”
No, he is not here
There is no try.
I’ll pretend I won’t be lonely
Looking at this blasted screen
Watching my idea of you —
The one you just present to me —
Acting like it’s reality
Then putting you in my fantasy
Man what a fucked society
No idea what Intimate means
I wonder if we ever knew
We’re only intimate with inanimate things
And that ain’t real intimacy
No This-Life possibility
For fear or love or joy or pain
But hey – at least you get to be
The Puppet Master – pull those strings
But He ain’t into the aforementioned things
He just sits behind your computer screen
Never has to reach a thing, only someone else’s screen
I’ll get specifically selected pieces of you
The ones He is controlling —
Carefully chosen words and phrases
Photographs that make you seem…well…
Exactly what you want to seem
And I am equally as guilty
God forbid we let the darkness in
Or let our baggage show
Or give the scars that seem so grim
A loving hand to hold
No
Better we just go on like this
Hiding behind inanimate things
Let our Delusions pretend they’re our Dreams
Cover the Truth that bursts from the seams
Reality’s made for a certain kind
A human strong enough to mix with Divine
And know she ain’t controlling shit
With her facebook posts and her twitter-twit
Close the machine, the technology
The Matrix-notion it’s gonna be like the movies
Snap the fuck out of it
Jump into Life
Yeah, it’s a bitch
But I swear to God it’s better to Risk
And the pool’s damn deep but come for a swim
Cause I, for one…
I’m getting in.
ariaphoenix 