my heart breaks into a million pieces

a million times

I don’t know how anyone gets through this life, sometimes

the world often feels cold and indifferent

and I suppose it is

and i guess it isn’t, sometimes

but Lately has not been one of Those times

I wonder how I can find more meaning

more love

more – dare I say it? —

happiness

Jinx

(You owe me a coke)

I cannot go back

I will not go artificially up

because I know the horrific downs

I am so alone and yet

Kids.

How can I like them but not think I want them

what on earth would i do with one, needing me

obliterating me

maybe i’m just a selfish freak

then again, it feels selfish to bring something innocent and unique

into a world like this

I don’t know

I would like a partner but he never seems to show up

or he’s weak

or he can’t follow through

or there’s not enough chemistry

I am tired of the tears on my cheeks

I am tired of seeking

I am tired of stopping seeking to just be

I am tired of everything

I am most tired of breaking

no, I am most tired of feeling This Kind of Low

that makes it difficult to breathe

or see

or think

or do

or leave the house, some days

I am angry

where is reprieve?

To whom do I speak?

Can It even hear me?

If It hears, what then?

I don’t see you Changing,Thing!

I’ve changed enough for the both of us, but it don’t seem to matter much

What?

Should I just keep suffering, hoping you’ll wake the fuck up?

Just stay in this god-forsaken place feeling stuck?

no, no

why should i be the only one to have to change? huh?

HUH?

 

The Visitor

 

depression-1_3

At night

He comes

Obese, gray-black

Anger so repressed He is shaking

Below, like Earth’s been doing lately

Quaking

His eyes blank, mouth soft

Head knows nothing of his rage

Below

Trauma can split a person in two like that

So he sits

Heavy

Thinks he’s empty

Squashed

A car in a junkyard

Abandoned, forsaken

Crushed flat, fat

Like an overgrown gourd

Bulging, tumorous

At night

He comes

He speaks to me

An untrusting “hello”

Though

It is my voice I hear

Obese and gray-black