poetry

Impotent

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I’m so sick of all the empty talk

You boys forgot how to walk the walk

Where did all the cowboys go

What is all this timidity

All this yes-I-do-but-no-not-really

You reach out but you don’t mean it

and I am so tired of you not meaning it

I don’t want some half-assed fantasy

I don’t want you wanting the idea of me

You ask me out but you don’t follow through

Didn’t you get taught that’s what real men do?

Someone let you down big time, boy

Society or family or hey — blame women wanting equality

I don’t know what the fuck happened

But manhood is lost

Wounded to the point of impotence

And I can’t take more impotence

I’ve got my own to deal with

I want a man who is a man

Who has not lost touch with what makes him that

All these fucking disappearing acts

I don’t believe in any of you anymore

I don’t think you believe in yourselves either

But I can’t fucking do it for you

I can’t do it for you

You have to do it for yourself

And don’t you dare fucking call me until you do

 

Fight

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There’s a thing They do to you

When they tell you to be good and nice and kind:

They split you in half

Wholeness lost to some ethereal, spiritual idea that Love is all there is

Child, you ain’t that high on the totem pole yet

You gotta work with that ego before you transcend

So, wake up

Or tell me about the world in which you live

I love fantasies

Sometimes, the compassionate thing is to kill

Or withhold

Or love from afar

But God-forbid (yes God-forbid) They teach you that

Sometimes mirroring another’s cruelty or ignorance is the singular chance to bring them into the Light

But we won’t do that when we’re nice and good and kind

Did They do it to you, too?

Split you in half?

And make you an anxious, shit-eating, people-pleasing robot?

Would you be humble enough to admit it if They did?

Did They have you thinking,

“But I don’t want to hurt their feelings!”

As if intentionally you would set out to do just that?

Jesus, you’re not a sociopath

Fearing narcissism is just another rebellion

A way They get you to stay in reactive states

Instead of integrating

None of us needed all that collective, dismissive, groveling crap

I, for one, will no longer be had

I’ll stab back because there is no one I’ll let split me in half

Ever again

No I’m not going back

I see with new, fierce eyes, clarified

My heart begins to grin, whole at last

And satisfied

Do you want to jump in?

Take my hand

Tie the left to the right and fight

It’s a bloody fucking battle, friend

I’m not gonna lie

But when you get to the other side you’ll realize

The war itself made you Unified

Yes it was war that made you unified

Try that on for size

Piece of Me

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I was thinking about why I never wrote you

Why I said I’d get back

and didn’t

And I’m sorry

I just didn’t have it in me

I didn’t find it there —

that Thing

There is too much Nothingness for me

In the in-between

I guess this time it’s on my side, ironically

And I’m sorry

I’m sorry you are where you are

I’m sorry I can’t work so hard

For anyone

Anymore

Tears come to my eyes

and I cry

‘cause Something inside me has died

And I think it might be a good thing

But that don’t stop these tears from dropping

Funny how we can mourn the loss of an Unhelpful Thing

Or Way of Being

Death is still a death

I suppose

And so

I try

To let these tears flow

To let you go

But I know you do not go alone

You go along

with a piece of me

 

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my heart breaks into a million pieces

a million times

I don’t know how anyone gets through this life, sometimes

the world often feels cold and indifferent

and I suppose it is

and i guess it isn’t, sometimes

but Lately has not been one of Those times

I wonder how I can find more meaning

more love

more – dare I say it? —

happiness

Jinx

(You owe me a coke)

I cannot go back

I will not go artificially up

because I know the horrific downs

I am so alone and yet

Kids.

How can I like them but not think I want them

what on earth would i do with one, needing me

obliterating me

maybe i’m just a selfish freak

then again, it feels selfish to bring something innocent and unique

into a world like this

I don’t know

I would like a partner but he never seems to show up

or he’s weak

or he can’t follow through

or there’s not enough chemistry

I am tired of the tears on my cheeks

I am tired of seeking

I am tired of stopping seeking to just be

I am tired of everything

I am most tired of breaking

no, I am most tired of feeling This Kind of Low

that makes it difficult to breathe

or see

or think

or do

or leave the house, some days

I am angry

where is reprieve?

To whom do I speak?

Can It even hear me?

If It hears, what then?

I don’t see you Changing,Thing!

I’ve changed enough for the both of us, but it don’t seem to matter much

What?

Should I just keep suffering, hoping you’ll wake the fuck up?

Just stay in this god-forsaken place feeling stuck?

no, no

why should i be the only one to have to change? huh?

HUH?

 

Tell You Then

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Do you feel me thinking of you
I knew
A long time ago
But I won’t tell you yet
For fear of shattering your fragile cocoon
You, my dear, are about to break into flight!
But no one can tell the caterpillar
Held tight — trapped even — in his silken nest
His body liquefying, parts moving
(Unbeknownst to him
Building something completely new)
That soon he will burst forth
Into his own vibrant dance
Communing with the wind
Into the life he was meant to live
I will be there when you emerge
And I will tell you
Then

Disturbed

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claws

I feel it crawling in

The pores of my skin aching as it enters

I am bloated with this darkness

The rain outside is romantic and only

Exacerbates my loneliness

And they could all tell me

“I can relate”

But relatedness is not found

Here

Mind blurred with overwhelm

Lost at sea

I need an anchor and I can hear her say

“Be your own anchor”

But I can’t anymore

I can’t

Anymore

I need a him

Strong and reliable and loyal

Not the Archetype but the man

He seems always to escape me

I find myself with myself

Conversing just to try and stay centered

It pours now

Romance gone, just pure, wet, pelting anger

Don’t all relationships end that way

Anyway?

Let me break open this old shell

I don’t want this darkness anymore

And yet I am bound

Without it there cannot be light

Or consciousness

But sometimes I can’t suffer any more

I know now there is no escape

Only avoidance

But I rage inside

WHERE IS MINE?

WHERE THE FUCK IS MINE?

I scream wildly

My insanity begs to be let out

I imagine ripping off my clothes and running naked into the street

Cussing and howling

the Madwoman free

But I only gaze at the rain and feel something sickening

 

Nothing Lost

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There is nothing like Deep Knowing

The feeling of enrichment and meaning diving head-first into your own thriving cells

Penetrating you from the core

Breaking you open, raw and alive

Heart expanded about 1000 times

There is no lover like this!

Even the most satisfying sex merely a distant, handicapped contender

Muted against these powerful tides

Brilliant, gushing, flowing, soul-filling

Enlightenment strikes!

Breathless and starkly aware

Heart pumping, eyes wide

Inside still and screaming at the same time

I live! I live! Yes, I am alive!

Nothing can be taken from me that will not be returned

In perfect form

Anything Less-Than will be made whole again

For it is I who creates

Do you see me?!

I have woven myself through your myths and songs, stories and tales

You yourself in this moment

Write ME!

You yourself in this moment

Read me

Feel me

Know me

Coursing through the veins I gave you

Embodied as divine

Fly child

Live and Know

Soak it all up and fear not

For we will return again and again and again

And nothing, nothing in you will ever be

Lost

Nothing in you will

Ever

Be

Lost

Raw

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I am deathly afraid you will strike me down

for opening my mouth

I sit frozen, shaking

an inner-earth-quaking

What if you spear my careful words

crafted from my great need for acceptance

I admit it!

I have crossed the bridge

and put myself Out There

Will I be crucified

Or stoned alive

Each step has led me here and I feel desperate

to take each step back now

What if I have doomed myself

Ruined everything again

Wanted or Needed too much

What if they tell me just to shut the fuck up

And Quit being so stupid

And We can see through your frantic attempts

You silly, useless fool

I cry out

I am so afraid

I am so eager to take-back

But I let it sit

Out There

With all of them

my throat choked from the waiting

Silent judgements killed me once

But I have to Stay

I have to hold strong and steady

I have to brave total annihilation

and trust that the world I knew once

has changed

And the terror just sits in the air

and hangs

 

There You Go Again

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There you go again

with your stupid fucking Talk

I hear your voice, faint, in the background of my mind

Far-away–like

and controlling at the same time

You never did listen to me

or care about my feelings

You scoffed and spat and screamed malicious things

and blindly, I believed you

But I See you now

I hear you in the background

Fuck that “see no evil” shit

How do you think the Devil hides?

In plain sight.

We all just close our eyes

Pretend He isn’t there and try to look on the bright side

But that’s only one side

And I refuse to see out of only one eye

There you go again

Your voice just settled in

Like the sizzling heat on a cow’s skin

being branded

Thought I wouldn’t notice as you took over slowly

Seeping your way into my being

But you underestimated me

I See Everything

I’m done negotiating

Go ahead and keep on hissing

I’ve stopped my listening

Spin your wheels til there’s nothing left to spin

I’ll just watch, bemused and think

“There you go again…”