When I saw her, and before I knew her name,
I had one thought —
Freedom
She, with her wings spread wide
An angel welcoming the sun as a lover
Heart so open, so strong
I imagine her head thrown back,
her body filled with a light
no darkness
could ever
touch
I saw a bad movie last night
With a good line —
“You embrace the suck and you move the fuck on”
So today I March
I wake
I ride
I take
I move into the deep flux of my life and say
YES
Okay
Why Not
Today? Tonight? Done. There.
What have I been doing all these years but
Hiding myself within myself
Tricked into the trap of staying there
I have begged my Captor to let me free
But my Captor was me
and I was not listening
Desperate I whispered let me be uncomfortable
I can take it
But he didn’t believe me
And really, how could he?
I was fucking whis-per-ing
It was all I could muster then
But somehow, I dragged my heavy feet through the mud
These last three days
Or 38 years
And I made it to the other side, wiping off the dried fragments of dirt and blood
Throwing those old boots aside
My bare, raw feet stepping down onto the hot coals in front of me
I don’t run or walk or hide
I just set my gaze to the now
And I March
I feel it crawling in
The pores of my skin aching as it enters
I am bloated with this darkness
The rain outside is romantic and only
Exacerbates my loneliness
And they could all tell me
“I can relate”
But relatedness is not found
Here
Mind blurred with overwhelm
Lost at sea
I need an anchor and I can hear her say
“Be your own anchor”
But I can’t anymore
I can’t
Anymore
I need a him
Strong and reliable and loyal
Not the Archetype but the man
He seems always to escape me
I find myself with myself
Conversing just to try and stay centered
It pours now
Romance gone, just pure, wet, pelting anger
Don’t all relationships end that way
Anyway?
Let me break open this old shell
I don’t want this darkness anymore
And yet I am bound
Without it there cannot be light
Or consciousness
But sometimes I can’t suffer any more
I know now there is no escape
Only avoidance
But I rage inside
WHERE IS MINE?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MINE?
I scream wildly
My insanity begs to be let out
I imagine ripping off my clothes and running naked into the street
Cussing and howling
the Madwoman free
But I only gaze at the rain and feel something sickening
I am the Webweaver
the spider
I create my own destiny
But only
Always only
Because You flow through me
Sincere humility the only thing to birth true power
Do you feel it rise up in you
like I do in me
Oh my god
the high
so heady
But there now, soft
Bring it back down
stop the threading of soul for a breath
Lest we lose our connection to what gives us our breath
Oh then, it’s amped up again
let’s connect
you and me
Webweaver and demon seed
Ravish me
Ravish me
ravish me
And it will be holy
Where you been
Demon-Lover friend?
You left me again
Crawling up these walls
Clawing my nails into them
But I want them in your skin instead
It’s a fantasy so
Let’s play pretend
I know you aren’t my forever man
But let’s be bad
Come to my bed; slide on in
Fuck this being good
Holding all the tension in
I want to sin with you
Sink my hooks on in
Let you do what I want you to
Front door’s open
Just come in
Allow our fantasies to live
Sweat and passion and perfectness
There’s no room for humanness with you
But I don’t want to be human with you
Lets mix with the gods for an hour or two
Because the Mundane Tomorrow always comes
It always comes
Such a bitter truth
Tonight let’s smash through collective rules
Dive deep into our own depravity
Oh, this bondage of morality!
I’m tired of it, I’m just like you
See…
Either way we stay a slave to light or dark
So why behave?
To scrawl, “I Was Good” upon my grave?
Good’s so overrated, babe
So, instead…I’ll let you in
Just come this way
Come this way
ariaphoenix 