Trust is a bitch
Disguised as some Perfect Thing
Trust is a trick
Bound by human weakness
Trust I think is meant to be broken
They tell us so many lies but
Trust is like anything else –
Susceptible to human foibles
And therefore, imperfect
We try
We take steps
But inevitably something breaks
Trust is broken
Perhaps True trust
Real Trust
Is staying with each break
And putting it back together again
This blanket made of Nothingness and Impudence
Woven with Depression and Resistance
Created just for you
Wrapped in it at birth
Hanging like a dark film over your shoulders
Under your feet
Must have felt like Home to you
This painful quilt of failures
So many excuses
It’s not that bad
People have it worse
And some do
And who cares?
I am interested in what happened to you
Tell me of your precious, unnatural cloak
Tell me how it’s home and you never wish to leave it
Tell me how you hate it and beg someone to rip it off
Let me know the fight in you
It’s not an easy feat
To start to choose the Unknown over Home
Even when home is unbearable
Oh the burden of a certain kind of familiarity
But
You are not the thing you wear
Nor whatever you were born into
You are underneath
Pure and unbroken
I believe
If we’d never seen the sun and suddenly it appeared
We’d fear annihilation — hide deep in our Darkness
Rather than welcome the soft warmth
So do we live from Fear…
Or do we Risk when it’s hardest to Risk
Who among us is brave enough
To take the cover off
Or — with new thread —
Begin again…
A blanket made of Happiness and Mindfulness
Woven with Compassion, Love and Peacefulness
Created just for you
Tried to love you a thousand times
But I gave too much of myself away
Been scrambling like a maniac
To get all those precious pieces back
Slow-going though
(And some decayed)
They tell me out of rotten things…
Yeah I’ve heard that out of death?
A brand new Something’s born again
Better than what’s left
I wonder though – about those pieces
The ones I’ve tried to grasp
And breathe life into once again
Make meaning of my past
Is it worth it when I’m so alone
While my heart just hopes and hopes
Going on and on like It don’t see
The rope around my throat
I tried to love you a thousand times
And a thousand more than that
Was I doing Love all wrong?
Have I given This for That?
I have no answers as I move
Step-by-adjective-Step
There are no fairytales, methinks
Oh, what a crushing childhood lie
No prince
Nor knight
Nor one true love
But only this lonely
“I”
The flame inside
Reignited!
by a you I will never have
Is it enough the flame was lit?
Guess I either drown it out or
Take it
Well, I guess it don’t have to be you
But see Life can be a little cruel
In the way She spins her shadowy web
Light glinting off her teasing edge
Promises, promises – the devil’s breath
But, then again…
I learned a lot from you, my stranger-friend
Doubt you’ll ever know the True Effect you had on me
And so it is –
And so it be —
We all go on Not Knowing
Who we touched
Or just How Much
But this is my way
Of saying Thank You
Maybe in another life
It will be you
In a different way
Tangibly
(Oh to have you tangibly!)
Or maybe…
Maybe This was all that was ever meant to be
Though I confess
I wish I could tell you Everything
But at least I can tell you This:
And hope Somewhere Inside you feel it —
My heart-felt, soul-felt
Thank You
I am Uh-lone
Lost in a dry, gray field of it —
Emptiness
Draping over me like a long, invisible cloak from head to toe
Offering nothing
Causing the kind of pain only Nothing can bring
Shocking
A great, dark, Impersonal
Void
One can only scream silently for so long,
alone
I am so totally Uh-lone
Sharp in my sobriety
That the masses lack
Preferring to believe that
“It’s all love and light, baby, love and light”
Bullshit
I don’t know your experience and you do not know mine
I only know that we can try
To understand –
And we’re lucky if we can –
Or find someone who really wants to
Who does not run away shrieking from our carnivorous pain
The way I hypocritically do
I never could relate
To those who haven’t been to hell…
To those who aren’t awake
Break the hex and run girl
Fly out into darkest night
With your feathered black wings
Shining black-blue in moonlight
Lift yourself out of this quicksand tar
Cut it off you
With anything you can grab
Gnaw it off you
If you have to
You do
Anything it takes
To break free
To leave this world behind and fly, fly
Fly…
He is all good looks and empty promises
Dripping with charm and warmth and dimpled smiles
Hugging everyone
Making you feel so special
But
Something inside him is not quite right
He don’t know that you see it
But you see it —
You won’t get pulled in the way They all do
With his unwavering brown eyes
That Way he looks at you –
Oh, I know – he’s looked That Way at me, too
His game is old
A poor peter pan boy,
Lost
Covered by this outer-seeming confidence
An actor playing a man
You meet his gaze
Wordlessly say —
I see right through you
Move along
I don’t need an actor
But a man
And with that, the puer is on to the next…
Because a real man takes a challenge willingly
I’m in that place
Where there is no try
Where desolation goes to die
No more questions, no more why
I’m in that place
Where there is no try
Only wishes and desperate pleas
Like winter’s snow falling silently
Melting before they are received
In this place one hopes for sad
Depression, even, not so bad
Joy a distant memory
The reining King is Apathy
He watches over fields of numb
And clouds of pain
Rivers where lives end in vain
His eyes are blank, a little grey
No one home
Nothing to say
His last try was a million lifetimes ago
Disconnection here the status quo
I’m in that place
Where there’s no reaching out
Or an inner voice who might cry out
And yell, “I do not wish to die!”
No, he is not here
There is no try.
I’ll pretend I won’t be lonely
Looking at this blasted screen
Watching my idea of you —
The one you just present to me —
Acting like it’s reality
Then putting you in my fantasy
Man what a fucked society
No idea what Intimate means
I wonder if we ever knew
We’re only intimate with inanimate things
And that ain’t real intimacy
No This-Life possibility
For fear or love or joy or pain
But hey – at least you get to be
The Puppet Master – pull those strings
But He ain’t into the aforementioned things
He just sits behind your computer screen
Never has to reach a thing, only someone else’s screen
I’ll get specifically selected pieces of you
The ones He is controlling —
Carefully chosen words and phrases
Photographs that make you seem…well…
Exactly what you want to seem
And I am equally as guilty
God forbid we let the darkness in
Or let our baggage show
Or give the scars that seem so grim
A loving hand to hold
No
Better we just go on like this
Hiding behind inanimate things
Let our Delusions pretend they’re our Dreams
Cover the Truth that bursts from the seams
Reality’s made for a certain kind
A human strong enough to mix with Divine
And know she ain’t controlling shit
With her facebook posts and her twitter-twit
Close the machine, the technology
The Matrix-notion it’s gonna be like the movies
Snap the fuck out of it
Jump into Life
Yeah, it’s a bitch
But I swear to God it’s better to Risk
And the pool’s damn deep but come for a swim
Cause I, for one…
I’m getting in.
It’s just Fear, I tell myself
The dynamics of my own mind
Keeping me in the tall glass tower
Thunderous Fear words booming through my flimsy glass walls
Shaking me
Threatening breaking me
All the fishes in the pond below have gone
They done swam away
‘Cause Fear had His say
And I have to admit that I’m afraid
Ego petrified
Exposed through these glass walls
Do they see me?
Will they eat me?
Or hate me?
Or beat me?
Or treat me like a leper?
What insult will be thrown my way today?
How will I be maligned —
Vomited on by a Better Kind
Oh, the sad dynamics of my own mind
It’s just Fear I say
Just Fear so you can either
Walk out the tall glass door or stay
It’s just a choice you make
With crumbs of food in my trembling hands
I close the door behind me and feed the fishes
Calling to them,
“There, there, “ I say, “It is safe.”
It was just Fear.
ariaphoenix 