What You Left Behind

Something is missing

That numb feeling in my center

this vibrating out that it does

glazing over my eyes

I know somewhere I must have some feelings

anger and sadness

best guess

but I can’t connect

depressed

are you as tired of that word as I am

fuck I’m so tired of it

I keep going

because I’ve learned by now that that’s what I do

I guess that’s pretty cool

but if I’d given up

I wouldn’t judge myself

or you

I don’t want to live here

but wherever you are

you are

and what a fucking riddle it all is

isn’t it

sometimes I just get sick of playing

so I give up for a little while

I let it take over

the gray cloud

the white noise

sometimes I don’t let it, it just comes

rapist

I put ear plugs in today

inside

because I didn’t want to hear that fucking blower blow one more time

jesus Christ

I don’t feel like I can ever ACT or DECIDE

and when I do

just momentary blips on the radar of life

I want things

and I know things don’t really give you anything

is it all just a head spinning trap

how do we live without answers

how do we fulfill our purpose

the one in the soul that keeps pushing us forward

and yet

that other thing that stops us

every god damn fucking time

your skin will wrinkle if you don’t die

and your eye color will fade and all that will be left

will be what you left behind

 

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The Lake

I have reached the water’s edge –

Once merely a mirage in the distance.

Sunlight bouncing like glitter off sparkling watery ripples –

Closer to a glorious-white than a golden-yellow,

Though that hue shows up, too,

Mixing with the Shining Light

And the many-colored blues.

I have reached the water’s edge,

Passed the ragged, sharp stones and pieces of glass

And broken shells that slice open flesh

Passed the jagged, wooden sticks –

Poking out from hidden spaces,

Just waiting for my Blundering Step.

But here I stand at this cool, refreshing place –

Made where the softest, finest, silk-like sand meets

Gentle waves that lap up over scarred, tired feet.

I have reached the water’s edge.

I am bathed in Nature’s kiss:

That soul-reaching Warmth

Only Sun can give.

I know you know the feeling!

I feel it wash over my begging, eager skin,

Through each atom –

My whole Being

Cleansed.

Not knowing if I would ever make it Here,

If Here even existed…

Still I kept trudging through each sharp, angry feeling;

Feet dragging as I resisted.

Oh, how I cut and tore and scarred my skin,

Fueled on hope and faith and trust in

All those who tread this road before me.

And Here I stand

At the water’s edge –

Once merely a mirage in the distance.

They did not let me down, you see

I stand at the lake called

“Forgiveness.”