Rebirth

I find my own Heart

Waiting

Brave

Beating in warrior rhythms

Slow and steady

Waiting for me to return to it

And I have

The reunion

Is a true

Re-Union

I am solidified

In this liquefied ever-changing Whole

Humbled and Empowered

At the same time.

I no longer question.

Simply, I just

Know.

Inception

They all talk about that historic plane

That flew through the eye of the hurricane;

The brave pilot who faced that massive twister

Air and debris spinning like the Inception top

Crazily —

Teetering —

On the brink of sanity;

Or, perhaps…

Gone right on past?

It’s hard to tell at The Edge like that.

Either way, I have to say —

I ain’t no eye of the hurricane.

I am, instead, the air and debris –

The stuff that makes up that Wild Thing.

Spinning-spinning-screaming-spinning

(Perhaps too occupied with”winning?”)

The ego fights so I go on spinning…

Round and round and round I go…

So close to the center

(So very far though!)

And I long to be the historic plane;

The brave pilot who pierced the peaceful center;

For I have long known the dangerous Exit

But tell me, pray, tell me:

Where do I enter?

The Choice

Drunk on love feelings, oxytocin, and wine

They stumble, giddy, out into the dark night street

An “oops” wine stain on a white shirt followed by a giggle

As he offers “let me get that for you”

And his hand brushes her breast

A blush lighter than the wine spreads across her cheeks

Soul-gazing stares and “no one gets me like you do” thoughts

And the mutually used — over-used word — said to friends

“It’s like…we have this connection..

The long make-out sessions where “we can’t have sex yet” she whispers

“Trust issues”

He’s okay with it

A gentleman can handle the Blue Frustration

And she sees this

So then, one day, they do.

About 3 months in – maybe 6 (if they’re lucky)

The buzz wears off and he starts to think “she seems pretty needy, emotional, complex…”

And she starts to think “he is closed-off, overly practical and frankly, kind of boring…”

They each long for that Original Night that seemed to last forever

Where everything just clicked,

Fell away…

And they saw only the Good Soul Essence

But it is a different night.

No more fantasy

No more drunken romantic-movie-like illusions about Princes or Goddesses.

They stand facing one another

Truly naked for the first time

Each one must decide

If they want to love a human being

Or an ideal

If they want the thing they say they want:

Actual True Love.

The Shovel Man

He is The Shovel Man.

The one who goes out on icy evenings

Lifting up the heavy, brown dirt with his metal instrument,

Loading it onto Whatever Might Be Growing There.

Killing it swiftly.

Wiping it out.

“You do not deserve to live. You do not deserve to live. You do not…”

He heaves His Instrument up and down again

Masturbating mechanically.

Robotically.

No humanity left; which is sad –

Because he had some once.

Motivated now by Survival Instinct gone horribly awry.

“I must go on. Only I. Only I. Only I.”

And this is how The Shovel Man spends his days:

He wakes.

He looks.

No. He watches.

Any seedling that pops up;

Any bud that dares rear it’s tiny head;

Any expression of anything at all –

He snuffs out.

He is part God, part Man and all Fear.

And he no longer notices that with each pile of dirt

Upon each baby feeling

He murders, also,

Himself.

 

 

 

From The Other Side…

I keep seeing these “Live in the Light”

“Let’s Get Back to the Garden of Eden”

“Love is the only thing there is”

Posts.

This One-sided way of living in the world

Is Everywhere.

And I get it. I do.

Very few want to Face Our Stuff.

But here’s the thing about the Shadow:

Ignore It and It will choose you.

When will we understand that Life is Whole?

If we “Live only in the Light”, do we not Cast Out all the beauty in Darkness?:

The rich, fertile soil from which emerges the Commanding Rose?

The comforting depth of the shielded womb?

A pitch black midnight sky paired with the kind of breeze that empowers the Soul?

The emotional suffering which can lead us to Rebirth while alive?

And if we cast out All Those Things which Grow – which begin! – in Darkness…

Do we not also cast out Light?

“Getting back to the Garden of Eden” is a wish to go back to

Ignorance.

The Apple of Knowledge never eaten, the “Paradise” of Unconsciousness.

Our desire for unconsciousness can be seen in all of our shadow behaviors –

Overeating, over-drinking, smoking, cheating…

The spiritual addiction of “Chasing the Light” –

By Refusing Shadow…we create more of it.

It seems to me we must live fully in All that is

NOW.

Yes, revel in Life! In Joy! In Beauty!

But do not forget where these are born.

And as the heart may soar with Happiness, so must we also

Dig our hands through the dirt and pain and gunk of life

Drawing up the dark, moist clay

That makes Creation

Possible.

SOLD

I am tinged green by these Summertime, Wintertime

All-The-Time means

The Ad Man has of slamming us against the Shame Bricks

Slicing us through and through

Again and Again and Again

With their never-ending selling

Telling us what our own Souls are

Lest we start to think that ought to be

Our own self-discovery

Lest we start to think

Well, damn

Lest we start to Think.

We all wonder where the Rage comes from

As it jumps out of the shadows into a

Darkened, crowded theater

Spewing bullets into infants

Where there ain’t no caped crusader

Just blood and chaos

Followed by The Bachelor Host Chris Harrison

Expressing “Everyone here at ABCs deepest sympathies…”

“And NOW…”

— Announcer Voice! —

“Back to the Bachelor Pad!”

And messages from our euphemistic Sponsors

And Un-Reality Housewives masquerading as reality so much that it has become Reality

With their Fake Everything

Now Mentors to the 12 year old girls

Who come into my office Anorexic or smelling like vomit

Jabbering on starry-eyed about The Kardashians who in turn say,

“We’re just business women.”

In the business of selling an image of…?

“Normalcy. We’re normal.” Robot-Kim insists with her unmoving 20-something face

And inflated lipscheeksbuttpocketbook

GIVE ME A BREAK

When will we STOP?

Put our wallets away.

Go visit our neighbors?

Unglue ourselves from whatever electronic device is controlling us this instant?

Take back what we have

Sold.

ADDICTION’S OTHER SIDE: GENIUS

People often ask why “artistic types” seem more susceptible to addiction than the average Jane. I believe the answer lies in the fact that people with “genius,” defined as “having exceptional intellectual or creative ability,” have a much thinner veil between their individual psyches and the Collective Unconscious. *I think it is also important to note that I truly believe all people have genius of some sort. The difference with people who identify as artists is simply that they are aware of their genius/gift/talent. Those who feel they have nothing artistic to give are usually disconnected from their abilities or have yet to uncover them. This disconnection usually stems from fear of inflation, trauma, or ignorance; but that is another blog.

This “easier access” artists have to the mysterious Unconscious can be illustrated by looking at how art is produced: images and symbols flow through the artist and manifest in form. We often speak of an artist as a medium and refer to his or her talent as a “gift.” A gift means it is something given to them, through something else; in general, there exists in most of us a belief in something greater than simply the power or will of an individual. That “something greater” might be a belief in the power of science and biology, The Universe, God, or The Self (capital “S” indicating the “higher Self” or inner wisdom). Its importance lies in the fact that it is the belief in Something More that allows many addicts the ability to recover. Therefore, if this gift of genius is not channeled in a productive, healthy way, it will seek expression in an unhealthy form. Why? Because genius just needs to express. It does not know the difference between healthy and unhealthy expression. This is why a gift is often referred to as a curse and vice versa. (In fact, it is the ego’s job to discern how to use genius and this is precisely why developing a strong ego – an ego capable of serving a person’s deepest core values – is so vital to having a fulfilling life.) Thus, if genius is stifled, it will find a way – any way – to come out.

Let’s take the archetypal example of “The Crazy Art-eest.” We all know this person. We see him or her in history books, films, myths, and quite regularly in the Entertainment Industry: Van Gogh and his ear! Amy Winehouse and her heroin. Albert Einstein and his cocaine. Kurt Cobain and his depression, drugs etc. The list is endless. In each example, we can see the two sides of genius: when it is channeled productively, we get a glorious painting or soul-warming song; when it becomes too much, we get insanity in various forms. These people were thisclose to The Unconscious. These artists see symbols and images and create masterpieces from them; at the same time, they also suffer the agony of being in such close proximity to something so powerful. They often get inundated with ideas, some which become manifest and others which, for natural human limits’ sake, cannot be. How an artist handles his or her creative daemon will determine whether the creativity is a helpful “spiritual daemon” the way in which Socrates referred to it; or whether it becomes an actual demon – something that claws at the heart and soul, begging expression. If the artist herself becomes too overwhelmed, frustrated, afraid, inundated or whatever – she may rebel or shut down; in other words, stifle the creative flow. This shutting down, if not done consciously, will eventually kill her. What do I mean by shutting down consciously? Examples of consciously switching the “off” button may include meditation, yoga, exercise, writing, seeing a movie or other healthy forms of release. Unconscious shutting down or rebelling is usually more reactive (thus less conscious) and is often what propels creative types to “check out” through using their substance-of-choice and numbing the influx of creativity which washes over them. Much of the work of the addict/artist is learning how to manage these unpredictable energies.

Through this lens, we can see why Creative Types would have more trouble with addiction – they have a higher libido, are closer to the edge of the great abyss; often, they feel in a very deep, unique way. It also appears that the more genius and ability a person is gifted with, the harder it is to tame the flood of art that flows through the artist.

So, in the end, are “Creative-Type-Addicts” all that different from the “General Addict?” It is my bias that they may have more work to do than non-creative types (or people who have not found their gifts), since they seem to have more “coming at them.” They may have to find more outlets, and use them more often. Creative Type Addicts are forced through their gift to relate to the messages they receive from it on a regular basis, and it can be very tiring, drawing up feelings of resentment or exasperation. That said, the work all addicts have to do in order to recover is pretty – ahem – sobering.

One thing I do know: each of us has within us the ability to heal. Not just addicts. Everyone. Most of us need a little help to do it (and even more of us hate admitting that), but we all need to be healed in one way or another. There is a strength that resides within us that is profound. Those who feel weakest are often the strongest of all – but this strength will only be discovered when we can turn inward and face what we fear; when we can understand that there is gold hidden in the pain that is ours for the taking. When that is accomplished – and it is no easy, quick task – we will truly be transformed.

And, finally, if you are an addict reading this and think there is no hope – I would tell you that hope is the fire in your heart that drew you to read this…and my wish for you is that you find what that Next Right Step is for you. And, with courage in your heart, that you take it.

Wonder

Oh! It strikes me silent.

No. I cannot speak.

Wonder – almost-violent.

Awe – an Awe-some thing.

Instills a kind of Lifted Pause:

I breathe but I am not breathing.

Defying Reason’s silly laws,

Leaving Logic seething.

And so I am like Alice

In this Wonder land –

Been drinking from the chalice

Held in Goddess hands.

And Oh! It strikes me silent.

And no, I cannot speak.

Awake, at last, from slumber

Gone – unconscious sleep.

How to Speak Your Truth and Remove Your Foot From Your Mouth at the Same Time

One of the things I am practicing in my life is Speaking Up for myself. Having a Voice, if you will. My pattern began with not knowing My Voice mattered. Then, when I discovered it did (mind you, this step took a year or 20), it became about how to honor what I was thinking and feeling. The key was how to honor it without the emotions that carried those thoughts and feelings overwhelming what I wanted to express. Emotions are like spices to me: Salt is great. Sprinkling it on fresh tomatoes is yummy. But dumping on the entire contents of the salt shaker ruins the tomatoes (unless you’re my dad — he’d pour salt on ice cream) . And pouring salt on ice cream is just gross (sorry, pops).  Anyway, you see my point, right?: You know when, on what, and how much salt to use; that is,  if you are choosing to use any at all. Knowing how to use your Voice is a really important tool. And the 4 Gates of Speech can help. We’ll get to those. Let’s start with an example:

Standing in a line and Clueless (or Arrogant) Guy cuts in front of me.

Emotion: Anger/Resentment

What I WANT to say: “Hey jerkface, get in line.”

Why it’s not so effective: 1) If he is Clueless and not Arrogant, then that implies an honest mistake. (I find these are the majority of misunderstandings.) My yelling at him makes me look (and let’s face it —  act) like a brat. 2) The goal of communication is generally to feel heard and understood. If I am yelling at someone, attacking, or even just being snotty, the likelihood of that person hearing me goes down acutely and thus — so does my goal.

For Speaking Up to have an impact, I have to express myself in a way someone is able to hear. Of course, there are no guarantees, and so there is always the chance that the Guy is, in fact, a jerk and won’t hear me anyway (though I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt — I’m not real big on assuming “jerkdom”); if that appears true, however, I would still rather have taken the high road and practiced my people-communication-expression skills. Also, in the example above I am talking about someone whom I don’t know well, so of course I am less invested. But what about when I am dealing with my best friend, respected colleague or partner-in-crime? We have chances to work on how we react to the world, and the people in it, all over the place! The question is whether or not we decide to take up the task of NOTICING not only how “they” are in the world, but how WE are in the world. Fighting is pretty hard to do when only one person is doing it.

Alright, alright…I’ve gone on long enough and I know you are anxiously awaiting the 4 Gates. That is, if you’re still reading. The 4 Gates are really, really simple. And really effective. I learned them from studying Yoga, and frankly, I feel strongly that THESE are some of the skills we ought to be teaching in schools and empowering families to become familiar with — which reminds me! I had a dream last night explaining to a mass of people that I had never really used math to a large degree. Basics, sure. But all the rest? Just not for me. On the other hand, who does not use communication?! We all use it. Most of us quite poorly, unfortunately. Ok. The 4 Gates of Speech:

1. Is it necessary?

2. Is it truthful?

3. Is it the right time?

4. Can it be said in a kind way?

Simple, right? The process is equally easy: If you answer “no” to any of the above questions, keep quiet.

Now, if you know me or have read my other blogs, you know that I am a big believer in expressing yourself, hey-hey-hey. I think it is unhealthy to stuff feelings down or dismiss them away. Toxic, in fact. I never recommend that, and I want that to be clear. In my experience, feelings and emotions always need both acknowledgement and expression of some sort. The expression may not always come in the form of  Speaking Up. Sometimes, they come out by venting to a good pal, or going on a long walk, or in my case, writing copious amounts of poetry, or occasionally screaming out loud  in my car. You may find, as I have, that getting really great at this skill involves a lot of discernment. Figuring out when the time is right, for example, can be a challenge. I’m still working on this aspect, but I have noticed that with practice, it is — like anything we work at — getting easier, better, more fluid.

So, I offer the 4 Gates to you because they have been helpful for me. Will you take on the task of becoming aware of your reactions, your speech? What a world this would be…

Much Love to You.

Katie