I told him
Sometimes, I am so, so lonely here
Waited for his warm reassurance
But instead he just plainly said,
Get used to it
You were never meant to follow
And I knew then
He was right
And I
was free
March
I saw a bad movie last night
With a good line —
“You embrace the suck and you move the fuck on”
So today I March
I wake
I ride
I take
I move into the deep flux of my life and say
YES
Okay
Why Not
Today? Tonight? Done. There.
What have I been doing all these years but
Hiding myself within myself
Tricked into the trap of staying there
I have begged my Captor to let me free
But my Captor was me
and I was not listening
Desperate I whispered let me be uncomfortable
I can take it
But he didn’t believe me
And really, how could he?
I was fucking whis-per-ing
It was all I could muster then
But somehow, I dragged my heavy feet through the mud
These last three days
Or 38 years
And I made it to the other side, wiping off the dried fragments of dirt and blood
Throwing those old boots aside
My bare, raw feet stepping down onto the hot coals in front of me
I don’t run or walk or hide
I just set my gaze to the now
And I March
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Impotent
I’m so sick of all the empty talk
You boys forgot how to walk the walk
Where did all the cowboys go
What is all this timidity
All this yes-I-do-but-no-not-really
You reach out but you don’t mean it
and I am so tired of you not meaning it
I don’t want some half-assed fantasy
I don’t want you wanting the idea of me
You ask me out but you don’t follow through
Didn’t you get taught that’s what real men do?
Someone let you down big time, boy
Society or family or hey — blame women wanting equality
I don’t know what the fuck happened
But manhood is lost
Wounded to the point of impotence
And I can’t take more impotence
I’ve got my own to deal with
I want a man who is a man
Who has not lost touch with what makes him that
All these fucking disappearing acts
I don’t believe in any of you anymore
I don’t think you believe in yourselves either
But I can’t fucking do it for you
I can’t do it for you
You have to do it for yourself
And don’t you dare fucking call me until you do
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Fight
There’s a thing They do to you
When they tell you to be good and nice and kind:
They split you in half
Wholeness lost to some ethereal, spiritual idea that Love is all there is
Child, you ain’t that high on the totem pole yet
You gotta work with that ego before you transcend
So, wake up
Or tell me about the world in which you live
I love fantasies
Sometimes, the compassionate thing is to kill
Or withhold
Or love from afar
But God-forbid (yes God-forbid) They teach you that
Sometimes mirroring another’s cruelty or ignorance is the singular chance to bring them into the Light
But we won’t do that when we’re nice and good and kind
Did They do it to you, too?
Split you in half?
And make you an anxious, shit-eating, people-pleasing robot?
Would you be humble enough to admit it if They did?
Did They have you thinking,
“But I don’t want to hurt their feelings!”
As if intentionally you would set out to do just that?
Jesus, you’re not a sociopath
Fearing narcissism is just another rebellion
A way They get you to stay in reactive states
Instead of integrating
None of us needed all that collective, dismissive, groveling crap
I, for one, will no longer be had
I’ll stab back because there is no one I’ll let split me in half
Ever again
No I’m not going back
I see with new, fierce eyes, clarified
My heart begins to grin, whole at last
And satisfied
Do you want to jump in?
Take my hand
Tie the left to the right and fight
It’s a bloody fucking battle, friend
I’m not gonna lie
But when you get to the other side you’ll realize
The war itself made you Unified
Yes it was war that made you unified
Try that on for size
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Piece of Me
I was thinking about why I never wrote you
Why I said I’d get back
and didn’t
And I’m sorry
I just didn’t have it in me
I didn’t find it there —
that Thing
There is too much Nothingness for me
In the in-between
I guess this time it’s on my side, ironically
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry you are where you are
I’m sorry I can’t work so hard
For anyone
Anymore
Tears come to my eyes
and I cry
‘cause Something inside me has died
And I think it might be a good thing
But that don’t stop these tears from dropping
Funny how we can mourn the loss of an Unhelpful Thing
Or Way of Being
Death is still a death
I suppose
And so
I try
To let these tears flow
To let you go
But I know you do not go alone
You go along
with a piece of me
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my heart breaks into a million pieces
a million times
I don’t know how anyone gets through this life, sometimes
the world often feels cold and indifferent
and I suppose it is
and i guess it isn’t, sometimes
but Lately has not been one of Those times
I wonder how I can find more meaning
more love
more – dare I say it? —
happiness
Jinx
(You owe me a coke)
I cannot go back
I will not go artificially up
because I know the horrific downs
I am so alone and yet
Kids.
How can I like them but not think I want them
what on earth would i do with one, needing me
obliterating me
maybe i’m just a selfish freak
then again, it feels selfish to bring something innocent and unique
into a world like this
I don’t know
I would like a partner but he never seems to show up
or he’s weak
or he can’t follow through
or there’s not enough chemistry
I am tired of the tears on my cheeks
I am tired of seeking
I am tired of stopping seeking to just be
I am tired of everything
I am most tired of breaking
no, I am most tired of feeling This Kind of Low
that makes it difficult to breathe
or see
or think
or do
or leave the house, some days
I am angry
where is reprieve?
To whom do I speak?
Can It even hear me?
If It hears, what then?
I don’t see you Changing,Thing!
I’ve changed enough for the both of us, but it don’t seem to matter much
What?
Should I just keep suffering, hoping you’ll wake the fuck up?
Just stay in this god-forsaken place feeling stuck?
no, no
why should i be the only one to have to change? huh?
HUH?
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The Loving Thing
The Loving Thing
I guess
Would be to let you just be where you are
but fuck
it’s so hard
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Tell You Then
Do you feel me thinking of you
I knew
A long time ago
But I won’t tell you yet
For fear of shattering your fragile cocoon
You, my dear, are about to break into flight!
But no one can tell the caterpillar
Held tight — trapped even — in his silken nest
His body liquefying, parts moving
(Unbeknownst to him
Building something completely new)
That soon he will burst forth
Into his own vibrant dance
Communing with the wind
Into the life he was meant to live
I will be there when you emerge
And I will tell you
Then
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Disturbed
I feel it crawling in
The pores of my skin aching as it enters
I am bloated with this darkness
The rain outside is romantic and only
Exacerbates my loneliness
And they could all tell me
“I can relate”
But relatedness is not found
Here
Mind blurred with overwhelm
Lost at sea
I need an anchor and I can hear her say
“Be your own anchor”
But I can’t anymore
I can’t
Anymore
I need a him
Strong and reliable and loyal
Not the Archetype but the man
He seems always to escape me
I find myself with myself
Conversing just to try and stay centered
It pours now
Romance gone, just pure, wet, pelting anger
Don’t all relationships end that way
Anyway?
Let me break open this old shell
I don’t want this darkness anymore
And yet I am bound
Without it there cannot be light
Or consciousness
But sometimes I can’t suffer any more
I know now there is no escape
Only avoidance
But I rage inside
WHERE IS MINE?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MINE?
I scream wildly
My insanity begs to be let out
I imagine ripping off my clothes and running naked into the street
Cussing and howling
the Madwoman free
But I only gaze at the rain and feel something sickening
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Nothing Lost
There is nothing like Deep Knowing
The feeling of enrichment and meaning diving head-first into your own thriving cells
Penetrating you from the core
Breaking you open, raw and alive
Heart expanded about 1000 times
There is no lover like this!
Even the most satisfying sex merely a distant, handicapped contender
Muted against these powerful tides
Brilliant, gushing, flowing, soul-filling
Enlightenment strikes!
Breathless and starkly aware
Heart pumping, eyes wide
Inside still and screaming at the same time
I live! I live! Yes, I am alive!
Nothing can be taken from me that will not be returned
In perfect form
Anything Less-Than will be made whole again
For it is I who creates
Do you see me?!
I have woven myself through your myths and songs, stories and tales
You yourself in this moment
Write ME!
You yourself in this moment
Read me
Feel me
Know me
Coursing through the veins I gave you
Embodied as divine
Fly child
Live and Know
Soak it all up and fear not
For we will return again and again and again
And nothing, nothing in you will ever be
Lost
Nothing in you will
Ever
Be
Lost
ariaphoenix 