Depression is a word that gets tossed around a lot and I wonder if that somehow makes it seem less destructive than it is? We know Depression means feeling worse than just “sad.” We have great descriptions about it — debilitating, flattening; that  it steals away motivation, interests, love of life and replaces those things with pure apathy – pure unfeeling. Could there be anything worse?  It would seem not. It would seem like Depression takes away one of the main things that make us human — our ability to FEEL. Yet, I have to ask: Perhaps OWNING OUR PAIN is worse? I know for me, owning my pain seemed worse because, I reasoned, “What the hell am I supposed to DO with it? HOW do I own my pain? It’s too much pain to own. Where would I put it?”

So, how do we own our pain? Well, first, we must feel it. If we have become so flattened — so Depressed that we are unable to FEEL — it seems highly unlikely we will move through those feelings.  We can. It is not easy, but we can.

Let me back up. I heard once that if we follow our Depression and trace it back, we can often find that it began when we betrayed ourselves. So, if you are Depressed, try and follow it back to a time when you may have betrayed yourself. Betraying yourself often involves not having solid boundaries (“I told myself I would only let aunt Annie stay here for a weekend, and now it’s been 2 weeks!”) or not holding a value you have deemed important. For example, when I was in my bulimia, I was often Depressed. This may have been, in part, because the values in my heart (to be loving, healthy, and honest) were constantly being betrayed. Every time I binged and purged, I betrayed my Self. This is NOT to place blame on me or on anyone with an addiction — I need that to be clear — but rather, to show how the Depression can show up.

A friend of mine told me he felt Depressed. I asked what was going on in his life and where the Depression showed up the most. He traced it to the mornings after a sexual encounter, which was often. He said, “In my 20’s, I was fine with it, but last year I told myself I wanted something more meaningful.” Yet, he had not changed his behavior to be in alignment with his value system; thus, he went into self-hate and Depression. “Every time I do it,” he said, “I am pissed off at myself for doing it.”

Another important piece about Depression that often gets ignored is that Depression can often be a cover for RAGE. Again, there is nothing wrong with the feeling of Rage; it is all in how we choose to deal (or not deal) with it. Rage has been deemed one of those “socially unacceptable” feelings. Anger has become something to be feared. Why? Well, because anger has been suppressed and shunned by society, it often erupts in scary ways: a person gets beat up; shoots up (rage turned in on the self); drives insanely, etc. What if we accepted rage simply as a human emotion that DESERVES A SPACE? Could we outlet it in a more productive way? I think so. Myself, I have screamed aloud in my car (and then burst out giggling, feeling ridiculous — but hey, it worked — the rage dissipated); I have drawn my feelings on paper in black and red (and no, I’m not an artist and that’s not the point); I have gone on a run; taken a kick-boxing class; even done the more-calming practice of yoga); etc.  In other words, find an outlet. Explore what might work for you.

Granted, when you are in the vortex of Depression, it can often be difficult to have the motivation to do anything, let alone the work of tracing back where it began; exploring new outlets; and simply allowing yourself to FEEL it. You may need some help, a nudge to get out of the horrible, destructive place that is Depression. If this is true for you, I urge you to call on anyone in your support system or try these free hotline numbers: 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.  For support groups, call 1-800-826-3632.

And of course, I am here for you, too. (818) 640-6811. Or (818) 848-3155.

Fight Back,

Katie, CEO Aria Phoenix Life Coaching

Have you ever felt a certain way, and then had the thought, “I shouldn’t be feeling that”? Maybe you’re angry at your friend for cancelling plans last-minute (yet again) or envious of the confident-looking woman stepping out of the Porsche? Maybe you’re childhood pal is telling you a story about his latest heartbreak and you feel judgmental instead of compassionate. What tends to happen with many of us is this: Instead of looking for the meaning in the feelings, we instead feel guilty for having them or we listen to that inner critic we all know so well who tells us, “See? You must be a bad person for feeling that way. You should be supporting your friend, not judging him…” etc., etc., etc.

Irrational feelings are never irrational — we just THINK them so. Feelings are natural, bodily reactions that arise in us to indicate something going on; to teach us something if we are open to listening! The usual problem I run into with both myself and my clients is that we allow our minds to dominate our natural feelings and push them away. In other words, we don’t like what we are feeling, so we suppress what we are feeling.  Unfortunately, suppression is never a technique that works, because the feelings need to be released or they will continue to come up in us again and again. And, again and again, we will become annoyed and frustrated with ourselves until we both acknowledge the (generally yucky) feelings and make an attempt to understand them.

Let’s take the first example of being angry at a friend for cancelling last-minute. What is the anger telling us and how can we allow it expression? First of all, the anger makes sense. Who wants to be cancelled on last-minute all the time? However, when we brush the anger aside, we never address the problem and often-times it comes up in passive- aggressive ways, such as finding yourself making a rude remark to that very friend next time you hang out “for no reason.” Perhaps the real anger you are feeling is merely asking you to set better boundaries with this friend? Telling the person, “I feel unvalued when you break plans with me last-minute. If it happens again, I may need to re-think our friendship. Do you have a sense of why this keeps happening?” Perhaps the anger is saying, “You know, this is truly a deal-breaker for me, and I want out of the friendship.” In other words, the anger is a beautiful sign, trying to get you in touch with YOU!  Try listening to it.

In the second example, the envy may indicate to you your own goals that you have not yet achieved. What is it, specifically, that you envy? The way the woman looks? (Perhaps you’ve been meaning to kick up the work-outs but haven’t committed to it yet). The money it takes to buy a Porsche? (Maybe you need to look at ways to manage your money more responsibly? Or, even simpler, perhaps your envy just indicates a desire to treat yourself a bit more lavishly — and let’s be real — an awesome bubble bath with a glass of wine or tea and some nice music is a great way to be lavish on a budget!). So here again, envy and jealousy are not “bad,” they are indicators that get you in touch with your own desires.

In the last example, there are feelings of judgment instead of compassion. Could it be that you have allowed yourself to listen to your friend victimize himself in relationships to the point where it feels like you are being “false” with your friend by not letting him (gently) know what you see happening? Could it be he is triggering your own relationship issues that you dislike acknowledging? Perhaps you are judgmental with him because you are also judgmental with yourself. Is the judgment perhaps asking you to find ways to be kinder and more compassionate? Or is it asking you to share your voice?  I encourage my clients to ask themselves what the feeling may be trying to tell them.

Remember, feelings are not good or bad. They just are.

In the feeling, there is Wisdom. We must seek to understand it in order to gain that wisdom; otherwise, we just keep taking those feelings we’d rather not have and like a beach ball being pushed under the water, they pop out again — smacking us in the face. Until we listen.  Until we listen. Then, we can move forward.

Be Inspired,

Katie, CEO Aria Phoenix Life Coaching

When you are conflicted about a decision, I always recommend taking out the external forces in order to truly get in touch with what it is YOU want. So, start with the question:

“What Do I Want?”

Take away the ifs, buts, shoulds. Take away the Fear, Worry, Care-taking of others (i.e. their feelings before yours.) In other words, if no one’s feelings would get hurt and if the worry about HOW to do it was taken away, what would you choose/decide/want?

Once those things are put aside, ask yourself again:

“What Do I Want?”

This should help clarify. Now, you begin the steps to get there.

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all; young and old, rich and poor, good and evil. the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, “I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.”

The other creatures laughed and said, “Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!”

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, “See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!”

And the one carried in the current said, “I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.”

But they cried the more, “Savior!” all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior. — Richard Bach

Toxic Intelligence (TI) is my term for our own individual genius turned against us. It is “reasoning” that makes sense to us in the moment; in fact, we cannot see the situation any other way because our TI tells us it has a lock on “the Truth.” When you think you have all the answers is when it might be a good idea to be on higher alert. There is no lock on the Truth.  As if Truth were one thing (!), summed up in one sentence, wrapped in a bow, glowing like a neon sign: “Here I am! Truth!”

Now, Toxic Intelligence is not to be confused with Knowing or Sensing — two wonderfully productive and intuitive gifts that all people have, some merely have them more developed than others. So, how can you tell the difference between true Knowing and TI? The former is a deep feeling, generally coming from within the core or body, and it can often sound like a nagging or urging to listen. It can be very faint or very strong, but it is not threatening. Although, it is true that Knowing/Sensing may sometimes have a warning energy to it.  Knowing may sound like, “Hey, something doesn’t feel right here.” Or alternately, “I truly SEE why this is or is not so for me.” Toxic Intelligence, on the other hand, will think it has all the answers and it will be using Fear, Worry or Anxiety to justify itself. “They did that because they don’t like you.” “You can’t ask for this because you will be seen as overbearing.”  TI pretends to know the future and what other people intend and think. TI is delusional, and that is the irony. TI uses past hurts and experiences to justify why you must be afraid, small, insecure or “wrong.” TI can get very loud, especially when you are “on” to it. Knowing or Sensing, on the other hand, has a quieter, softer way. It is not so attached to the result because it does not have the same goal that Toxic Intelligence does — to stay alive. Toxic Intelligence uses Fear to control you because It is afraid. It is afraid that when you get clear, and inspect It’s “reasonings” you will find them irrational and Fear-based and It will no longer have power over you. Knowing has nothing to do with power over you — it has to do with feeling empowered from living an authentic life.

2 ways to disconnect:

1. Notice Toxic Intelligence.

First, you must get to know it. How does it show up in you? What are the tapes it plays over and over again to you about who you are? Do you believe them? Can you begin to dialogue with the TI voice and create a different way of thinking? For example, the TI voice might say to someone isolating,”You have to stay home because you have no money and those people don’t really like you anyway.” You might notice it and respond: “Actually, I am on a budget, but I can go out for the company and social aspect, and ‘those people’ are my friends. In fact, I’d like to make stronger friendships, and staying home every night out of fear is not going to help with that.” Keep it going if you can.

2. Stop. Drop. Breathe.

Okay, so I kind of stole this from the old fire drill we learned in school, but it works. When your mind starts spinning; when you feel anxious; when you are about to reach for a drink or a Big Mac or become reactive to your fear — STOP. Take a seated position or, if you’re like me and can’t get comfortable seated, stretch out on your back and breathe. Don’t worry about “meditation” or what you should be “doing.” This exercise is entirely about you relaxing and breathing and settling into yourself. Once gathered, you may reassess your thoughts or situation.

When we can begin to disconnect from our Toxic Intelligence and question it — we begin to flip the switch back to using our True Intelligence. Our True Intelligence comes from our highest self and is for our highest benefit: living a life based on soul needs and wants and not based on Fear.

Be Inspired,

Katie

Open your open eyes.

You say they are open,

But I say,

Try again.

Do the star-shaped leaves made golden by the sun

Glow and dance for you?

Do you feel the welcoming breath of the honeysuckle bushes

Wash over your body, warming it from the inside out

As they shout joyously to you —

– Yes! To you!

“Child! You. Are. Home.”

Then open those open eyes.

Does the perfection and power of the

Glorious rose command your attention

In the middle of your hurried walk to your

Important destination?

Halt!

You will never be so glad to follow an order.

Ignoring Her is your greatest loss.

So, are you?

Are you drawn to her silky petals?

Do you let them graze your cheek for the softest kiss

And inhale Her Truth

Offered to you for free (!)

With your deepest, humblest breath?

Honor her and she returns the favor.

Do you see your own soul everywhere you look?

Then open those open eyes!